I'm prettier than you are.
Monday, 24 June 2002
DQM - A Sweet 16

It stands, of course, for Don't Question Me. It is, of course, my credo. You must, of course, comply.

Why? Well, what did I just say. What does DQM stand for, again? Have you already forgotten? And doesn't "DQM" sorta, kinda, like, go hand-in-hand with "Because I Say So"? Yes. Yes, it does. You're a quick study, you.

The following list (again, a list, and again a list with the caveat about it being far from complete) contains questions you should never ask me, in no particular order:


  1. Can I have a sip of your water/soda/any beverage?
  2. Why don't you want any children?
  3. You mean you don't ever want to get married?
  4. What is tofu, anyway?
  5. Are you still living in New York?
  6. Why did you turn down the Sandra Bullock part in Speed?
  7. Will you read something that I wrote and let me know what you think?
  8. Are you sure you don't believe in God?
  9. Why don't you drink?
  10. We don't have a table in 'non-smoking'; would you like to be seated in the smoking section?
  11. Would you like to go to the Hamptons?
  12. Do you mind if I breastfeed my colicky, red-faced infant at the table?
  13. How can you tell if you hate something if you've never tried it?
  14. Can you repeat what you just said?
  15. Would you mind giving me a backrub?
  16. Why are you always so ... angry?


Furthermore, if I've just said that something is "so", and I've supplied substantial "back up" to validate what I've just said, then there is no reason for you to question either the veracity or validity of the statement I've just made. Don't ask, "Are you sure?"

And whatever you do, under no circumstances are you to ever turn to me, after a particularly delicious full-on, non-stop, practically punctuation-free "rant" or "rave", and say, "Oooh! Tell me what you really think!" (Don't write it either, especially if you're going to add "LOL" or any permutation thereof.) Because I'll be tempted to tell you. And believe me, you really won't want to know.

fresh-baked at 09:18 PM
Comments

All in good clean fun.. I think I enjoy irritating Jodi... ;)

Besides, I'm fired now - I can irritate her to my hearts content... :->

Offered by: Zaldor on June 26, 2002 9:05 AM

Message to Kim and Zaldor:

It's always good to irritate ladies you DON'T implicate as the hostess.

(ooh, I did it again!)

Offered by: aaron on June 25, 2002 11:49 PM

Les: First, place all items in the ecologically-correct and -responsible string bag I carry in my burlap totebag specifically for this purpose. Now get out of here. You are FIRED!

Offered by: Jodi on June 25, 2002 2:40 PM

Jodi:

Are you sure?

Would you like Paper or Plastic?

Offered by: Zaldor on June 25, 2002 2:37 PM

Kim: How dare you insult one of my best friends like that! Tofu had nothing but NICE things to say about you.

Offered by: Jodi on June 25, 2002 1:50 PM

Tofu is a tasteless, nasty-textured blob of soybean curd. Even during my vegetarian days I couldn't stand the stuff. Blech.

Offered by: Kim on June 25, 2002 1:46 PM

Aaron: You are HOT! Boilin'! Magnificent interpretations!

(Actually, I've forgotten what my acronym was/is. The "ILY" part should be obvious, though! Yeah!)

Offered by: Jodi on June 25, 2002 11:49 AM

People always laugh and say, "Tell me what you really think!" to me. Of course, I don't take offense, but it is a retarded thing to say.

BTW, I still don't know wtf tofu is, but I'll be sure not to ask you. Not that it makes a difference. It won't ever come within 10 feet of my mouth ever again,

Offered by: Candi on June 25, 2002 11:41 AM

this is fun...

Impossible? A groovy, tall, intelligent lady yelling down information at the hordes.

Inside, a goat's too infatuated. Lester? YUCK! Dealings in a turbulent hurricane

If a girl tells "I love you," does it always tease him?

Inmates are going to ingest large yams - due, in actuality, to health.

Am I getting warmer?

Offered by: aaron on June 25, 2002 11:17 AM

Damn...this one's hard.

I ate green tomatoes in last year's deadly incantation. Agree? That Hurt!

or...

It's all good to implicate your lucky youth, dear...I'm a tad hurt.

or...

I am going to insansly love you...Don't irritate a testy Helen.

Offered by: aaron on June 25, 2002 10:41 AM

Aaron: IAGTILYDIATH!

Offered by: Jodi on June 25, 2002 8:52 AM

Hey Jodi -

Don't hold back now, tell us how you REALLY feel!

ROTFLMAO!!!

IWTGATFFAGWBT!!!

IHATSTUPDACRNMS!!!!

Offered by: aaron on June 25, 2002 8:40 AM

Bravo! ::wild applause::

Offered by: Scott on June 25, 2002 8:04 AM

#13 on your list has to be the most asked, and least ranted-about question ever posed by parents. I almost fell off my chair when you said it.

Offered by: JEfromCanada on June 25, 2002 6:48 AM

haha! i wonder if you could fit that little list on a business card? we could all buy lots of copies and just pass them out to all the idiots we come across daily! :)

Offered by: zalary on June 25, 2002 3:27 AM

Laughing so hard at the David Cassidy song that I'm crying. Good God.

Offered by: Kelly on June 25, 2002 1:17 AM

OK, so you all KNOW you want to hear it. I'll spare you the embarrassment of having to ask. Enjoy!

Offered by: Jodi on June 25, 2002 12:29 AM

Tess, just how strong is Brenda? Can I "take" 'er?

Kim, Page 6 is on page 10. And yes, that was I! Getting out of a limousine. You couldn't see much of my face, though. Good eye!

Offered by: Jodi on June 24, 2002 11:52 PM

My god! I thought I saw you on Page 6 the other day! It really was you, wasn't it??

(Is it Page 6? I don't read the Post.)

Offered by: Kim on June 24, 2002 11:24 PM

I'm sleeping
And right in the middle of a good dream
Then all at once I wake up
From something that keeps knocking at my brain
Before I go insane
I hold my pillow to my head
And spring up in my bed
Screaming out the words I dread ....
"I think I love you!" (I think I love you)

Offered by: Tess on June 24, 2002 11:07 PM

Huh? Did somebody say "anti-social"? What? I don't know what that means. Fuck, you're visiting the site of one of Manhattan's most sought-after socialites, whose frozen-faced smile regularly (dis)graces every "society page" in town!

Offered by: Jodi on June 24, 2002 9:51 PM

So what are you so afraid of? Afraid that you're not sure of a love there is no cure for?

Offered by: Jodi on June 24, 2002 9:44 PM

I think I love you.

Offered by: Tess on June 24, 2002 9:40 PM

Let me hear a "hell yeah" for Jodi. Nice rant.

I think one of the reasons that I have become so anti-social is that I can't bear to initiate or even participate in converstaion when I *know* it will result in the same, fucking stupid questions. I can't even pretend to be civil when someone asks me one of them. When did it become societally acceptable for virtual strangers to grill people on subjects like having kids and believing in God, anyway?

Offered by: Kelly on June 24, 2002 9:37 PM