Ask me if I want to hold your baby, and I'll have to pass. But bring your puppy within 500 feet of me, and I'll be rushing over and bending down to rub his belly faster than you can say "Woof!", and making all the in(s)ane cooing sounds that accompany the experience.
I know it comes as a complete shock, but I am not a Baby Person by any stretch of anyone's imagination. It's not that I hate babies (except when they're boiled, because then you just lose all the flavor). It's not that I have anything against them. I just prefer animal babies over human babies. Always have. Always will.
I don't hate small children, either. But I would like to take the time now to post a news flash for those parents out there who seem to think that everyone else should love their children as much as they do. NEWS FLASH: WE DON'T. We especially don't adore them when we are held captive to their adorability because we are sharing public transportation with you.
Please heed the following (and note that, as always, when I use "he" I mean both genders; not for me that "s/he" nonsense):
- Your child isn't even one-eighth as cute as you apparently think he is, either in looks or personality.
- The choo-choo is not an appropriate venue for StoryTime.
- Your child's singing may be sweet, soothing music to your parental ears, but to quite a few of of us it's a twisted cacophonous jangle.
- If you insist on performing "The Inky Dinky (or "Itsy Bitsy") Spider", please realize that even one rousing chorus is more than sufficient.
- Your child's face, staring into mine from the seat ahead of me (or in front of me, if in a diner booth), isn't any cuter to me than my fist shoved into yours will be to him if you don't tell him to turn the hell around.
- Your toddler may have just learned to walk, but please don't allow him to display his fresh new talent on the train station stairways at any time, especially during rush hour.
- Silence is golden. Demonstrate this to your child sometime. He may just learn something from you.
This list, of course, as with all my lists, is by no means complete. I assure you that there are other items that I'll want to include sometime in the future (i.e. five minutes from now), and you know I'm good for it.
Woof.
fresh-baked at 02:17 PMDamn it, Jodelle, how did you get out of those restraints!? I thought I'd tightened them better than that.
Offered by: Jodi on June 25, 2002 2:07 PMMommy, come away from the computer and play with me. Please.
Why are you so mean to me? Mommy...?
Offered by: Jodelle on June 25, 2002 1:52 PMLOL. Oh ... god too funny.
Well, I agree. Here are a few of the names I call my dogs: furbabies, furkids, lovelies, angels, sweetnesses, etc. Here are a few of the names I call some kids: peckers, rugrats, runts, and the ever-approrpriate "little shits."
Dogs rule; kids drool. Well, some dogs drool. But it's cute when they do it.
Offered by: Kelly on June 24, 2002 7:56 PMEven better is Finny's own. Yes, "christ" is part of it. (And yes, he is paying me to send you to his site, so make sure you check it out, because I really need that conjoined-twin separation surgery already. It was cute when we were, like, three, but now it's not so cute.)
Offered by: Jodi on June 24, 2002 6:01 PMI am speechless. I agree with everything on your list.
Offered by: Anita on June 24, 2002 5:59 PMHee! Now that's a funny link! I love that URL, baby.
Offered by: Scott on June 24, 2002 5:51 PMFinny, for Christ's sake, don't underestimate yourself.
Offered by: Jodi on June 24, 2002 5:48 PMI fucked up the link. Here it is again .
Offered by: Finny on June 24, 2002 5:33 PMA joke? Whatever could you mean? Are you questioning my faith in our Lord, who gave his only Son so that we might be Saved?!
Here is where I was going to put a link to some anti-religious site for comedic effect. I figured there had to be a site called (a href="http://www.jesussucks.com">"http://www.jesussucks.com"
Check out the URL of the site it bounces you to. Much funnier than anything I could have thought up.
Offered by: Finny on June 24, 2002 5:31 PMI knew that. :) I wasn't sure at first, but after I went to his blog, it was quite obvious.
Offered by: Kim on June 24, 2002 5:26 PMYeah... uh... we knew that. It was a quiz for you, is all...
Offered by: Tess on June 24, 2002 5:11 PMAll right. I shouldn't have to do this, but I'm going to do it anyway because I happen to be in love with "Finny", the person who commented above. Finny's comment was a JOKE. An intentional one. And, I thought/think, a very funny one.
Offered by: Jodi on June 24, 2002 5:08 PMoh my goodness Jesus spams.
Jodi I swear I was the same way. I was never around kids didn't want to be. I never baby sat (Me?).. when I brought home my baby boy I called my older cousin to show me how to give him a bath.. I was 38. Uh, I still feel the same about everyone's elses kid.
Offered by: Charlene on June 24, 2002 4:57 PMFinny can knock on my door anytime. When he does, the "Three's Company" theme plays in my head. It's like magic!
Offered by: Jodi on June 24, 2002 4:32 PMOh great. They're not only knocking on our doors at dinner time to "save us", their infiltrating our blogs too! Uggh! How are we supposed to hang up on them here???
Offered by: Tess on June 24, 2002 4:20 PMA question from wwjd.com? You mean "what would Jodi do"?
Offered by: Kim on June 24, 2002 4:09 PMJodi, a child is a precious gift. The next time you find yourself thinking such negative thoughts, ask yourself a simple question.
Offered by: Finny on June 24, 2002 4:00 PMIt's good to know that you will think Jazz and Nellie are as cute and wonderful as I do when you come to visit. I promise, no bedtime stories until after YOU'RE asleep.. :)
Offered by: Tess on June 24, 2002 3:24 PM
