As I told you just this morning, I'm not a big fan of the heat/humidity/haze. Indeed, if it were possible to completely hibernate starting right now and continuing through September (or whenever the inevitable "Indian summer" decides to stop extending this hell), I would certainly do so. But it's not just that I deplore being uncomfortable and feeling like half of my body weight is lost through my pores every time I step outside for more than two minutes. No, that's bad enough. But what is worse is, of course, Other People.
Yes, other people. Always the bane of my existence, always the objects of my scorn, always the one "thing" that can ruin my day if given even half a chance. Yes, other people manage to somehow turn a perfectly uncomfortable experience into a completely revolting one -- and they don't even have to make too much of an effort. No, they do enough damage just by being out on the street, wearing what they wear when the temperature insists on approaching the three-digit mark.
If I wind up in court some day, defending myself for a series of murder charges, I will instruct my attorney to use the following exhibits on my behalf:
- Exhibit A: Shirtless Men. I have nothing against shirtless men. In fact, a shirtless man is often a good thing, especially when it is offered in the form of "All My Children" stud Cameron Mathison. But a man whose shirtlessness displays a torso so soaked in sweat that the hair on it is plastered to his wan, bulbous gut, and reveals that his cavernous bellybutton (I hate this word, but there are no good alternatives) could, indeed, be used as a receptacle for melted butter during a lobster-fest, and whose wobbling, shimmering expanse indicates that he has indeed participated in too many indulgent episodes involving butter (melted or otherwise), well ...
- For the record, I am not a big fan of ambulatory shirtlessness. I don't mind it at all if you're in the park and you're sitting or lying on the grass, or if you're on the beach, or even if you're a fabulous Chelsea boy rollerblading down Eighth Avenue. But don't just stroll down an ordinary street sans shirt. (And yes, that even goes for Cameron.)
- Exhibit B: Braless Broads. No, fellas, this isn't as sexy as some of you no doubt think it is. I saw a woman the other day whose tits melded with her waist to form an amorphous pendulum of unprecedented magnitude, and trust me when I tell you that it was perhaps one of the most repellent sights I've seen in quite a long time. And believe me, I've seen plenty, including knockers that did indeed do just that, bringing to mind those old "clackers" that I used to have years ago -- two glass (yes, glass back then) balls, each attached to a string that was fastened at the top to a little handle that, when jostled by a flick of the wrist, would clack the balls together, causing them to rebound off of one another in full "be careful, you'll put someone's eye out" force. Ladies, bras are our friends. I know they may be a bit uncomfortable when the weather is so unkind, but please be kind and wear one.
- Aside: If you do support me in this campaign and wear a bra, make sure its straps do not show. If the shirt you're wearing cannot effectively hide your straps, then either wear a shirt that can or find a bra that can remain out of sight.
- Exhibit C: Asses A-GoGo, a Great Big NoNo. If your ass, when viewed through your tight white stretch pants under direct sunlight, resembles anything close to cottage cheese, then I suggest you consider adding some to your diet, and for god's fucking sake, change your pants. I don't care if you are abundantly equipped in the ass department. Just wear pants that flatter it. Believe it or not, there are pants out there that are not made of cheap spandex. I've seen "plus-size" women who wear them, and they look fantastic.
I rest my case.
The list would not be even close to complete without the ever offensive butt crack peek-a-boo thing. Don't guys know that jeans can be found that don't do that! I've seen this too often and it always elicits the same response... aaack...gag. I think I feel a fur ball coming up.
Offered by: mik on June 30, 2002 10:43 AMJodi, Jodi, Jodi, I am laughing out loud. Bravo!
Offered by: Scott on June 27, 2002 4:21 PMExhibit A:
I once thought of Cameron Mathison as an untalented chest. He's now become a very talented chest who can warm up the other half of my bed anytime he so chooses....I mean, he's a fine looking man who deserves to be shirtless while mowing my lawn...rather, anytime he wants as long as he's in my home...
Oh hell...other than just walking down the street sans Fruit of the Loom...he can be bare chested or bare assed whenever and wherever he pleases.
Exhibit B:
Women should wear bras! End of discussion. Especially if the shirt or blouse happens to be semi- or fully sheer unless the said woman is about to thrill and delight that significant other. I don't need to know EXACTLY what you have. I can guess. I have a couple of them myself!
Exhibit C:
I don't get this phenomena. It makes no sense. Neither do the skirts short enough to require a hairnet for the wearer of said skirts. I don't want to see, ladies!
Exhibit D:
Hair - Shave. Do everyone a favor and shave the pits and/or the legs. PLEASE!
About Exhibit B:
What is it this year? I'm seeing all sorts of women who look normal in the face, but they are wearing spaghetti strap tops with huge bra straps. Last week, I saw someone in a TUBE TOP wearing a bra. I just want to run up to them, snapping the all-too-visible straps and yell: THIS IS WHY GOD INVENTED STRAPLESS BRAS! VISIT WAL-MART IF YOU CAN'T AFFORD VICTORIA'S SECRET! But alas, I bite my tongue while trying not to burst out laughing.
Offered by: Desert Mermaid on June 27, 2002 3:54 AMYou have quite a way with words. And I must agree with Kelly's comment on the visual of the butter-cup navel. Thank heaven lobster wasn't on my menu tonight! Heat makes me wilt, as well. Thanks for the chuckles!
Offered by: Lisa on June 26, 2002 9:48 PMYes, Jess, my list is indeed complete. I forgot to precede the listing with my usual caveat. (If you look at my earlier stuff, you'll see that I always say that my lists are by no means complete, thus allowing me to append items at a future date!) Your additions are terrific. Raised arms on the subway are particularly wretch-worthy and ass-crawling shorts should be outlawed. I have never seen a naked landscaper, either driving or stationary, and I hope I never do.
Offered by: Jodi on June 26, 2002 8:30 PMHey there! I just fell on top of your site, and this list, while hilarious, is grossly incomplete. What about the raised arms on the subway? The sweaty landscapers who insist on driving naked? The tiny tiny shorts crawling up unattractive asses with their last feeble ounce of strength? I could think of more, but it's too hot.
Offered by: Jess on June 26, 2002 8:22 PMYou haven't seen shirtless men till you've seen my late 70's-ish landlord out mowing the lawn in his underwear. We call him Naked Old Man. Thank god he wears boxers and not tidy whities.
Offered by: Kim on June 26, 2002 8:21 PMA heavy-handed puff of delicate baby powder placed just so between chicks' black-clad thighs is always a delightful eye-feast as well. Oh, the offenses to the senses are many, indeed!
Offered by: Jodi on June 26, 2002 6:41 PMBwah! You rock.
But don't forget women who bathe in perfume in the summer months. I have no idea why they do this, but I abhor it.
Perfume does NOT mask the stench of your sweaty pits, it's blends, and the result is NOT flattering!
Offered by: Candi on June 26, 2002 6:38 PMOh, it does hurt. I am laughing so hard it physically hurts.
On a side note, after reading Section A, I may never eat lobster again. That was SUCH a bad visual. Ugggghhhhhh
Offered by: Kelly on June 26, 2002 6:23 PMRe: Exhibit A - I am with you 100%, not just because I am a guy and do not wish to see other guys without their shirts, but because the people who walk around not wearing one are people I generally don't want to see...AT ALL, let alone in varying states of undress. Either 65+ yr. old men, or 17-yr. old "dudes" with baseball caps on sideways, who really need a slap in the head...and not just to correct the orientation of said cap.
Re: Exhibit B - I am with you 50% here. There are some women out there who are not a repulsive sight braless. In fact, on many of them, one probably wouldn't even notice. However...Ladies, if you were to be a Porn Actress....and your porn name would prominently feature alliteration, and your last name would be a large, round object (ex. Mindy Melons, Becky Beachballs, Annie Astrodome, etc.) Then I couldn't agree more.
Re: Exhibit C: I've never understood that phenomenon, and I do not wish to study it to the point at which I WOULD understand it. Likewise, I dont' get whatever negative-logic-force-beam drives 100 lb girls to wear pants and shirts so huge you could fit the Green Bay Packers entire defensive line in there, even in 100 degree heat.
Offered by: aaron on June 26, 2002 4:16 PM
