I knew it was only a matter of time before someone would complain about something I wrote here. I knew when I started this whole thing that I was taking a fair amount of risk by even daring to touch on some of the most pressing, highly controversial "issues" of our day. I expected hate mail and nasty comments.
I've seen it on other people's sites. I've seen how one malcontent can misinterpret someone's post and then proceed, in a succession of increasingly nasty comments, to (try to) wring every bit of fun out of what was meant to invoke a lighthearted discussion. I've seen the fury, the backlash -- and I've laughed at it.
But I'm not laughing now.
I didn't expect this to happen. Not to me. These things always happened to "other people".
When I woke up this morning, I found that my apartment had been ransacked. Clothes, some in tatters, strewn everywhere. Kitchen cabinets gaping open like so many shocked mouths. Everything everywhere ... except where it's supposed to be.
Everything, including ... the cat.
She's gone.
I put 2 and 2 together, added in the square root of pi, raised it to the ninth power, subtracted my age, and realized that this destruction has her pawprints all over it. I should've guessed immediately from the overturned litter box and the words "FUCK MEW, BITCH!" scrawled on the wall with its contents. But she's done that before, just to get attention.
Well, Scorns. You've got my attention now. Please come home.
I apologize. I really do. I'm sorry I didn't mention you in the post that immediately precedes this one. It was an oversight. It was not intentional.
Come back. Please come back. Come back, little Shana! I won't even make you clean up the mess you left. Just come home. I beg of mew!
fresh-baked at 10:44 AMi called - you did not respond yet. what is the meaning of this? oy vey! call me NOW!
Offered by: mamanita on July 9, 2002 9:02 PMFor two weeks Ive been happily reading your blog, and then suddenly I get this sick feeling in my stomach for the two minutes it took to read this post...women sheesh
Offered by: BooBoo on July 9, 2002 8:02 PMOh, she knows that. In fact, that's the ONLY reason I didn't stop by when I was in NY last week. I was dressed like a Tuna, and I know she prefers Karp.
(well, that...and the fact that I wasn't really there.)
Offered by: aaron on July 9, 2002 9:22 AMAaron:
You always dress up like a fish. Don't try to act as if you're doing something special for Jodi.
Offered by: The Real Don on July 9, 2002 1:45 AMRick!! Hahahah~!
Offered by: Tess on July 8, 2002 7:45 PMThere's this flea bitten Cat House on route 66, run by this old fat-cat guy. He often takes in young felines, feeds them, comforts them, protects them and then....they're working for him. Not only prostitution but this place is one of the biggest catnip houses in the state. Well known to the police. Where old Toms can go for a little fun, (if ya know what I mean).
That's were I'd start looking...
Offered by: Rick on July 8, 2002 6:47 PMAny luck, Jodi? How are you holding up? Can I get you a bottle of water? Anything?
Offered by: Joan on July 8, 2002 6:40 PMPop open a can of tuna, buy her a Goldfish....she'll forgive you! It worked for me, anyway.
Offered by: Matilda444 on July 8, 2002 3:57 PMJodi... I checked with the cat psychic, and she says that it will all work out.
She does not say how much you will have to grovel...or how hard you will have to work out... I would not try Thomas' suggestion, (even though it sounds like he has tried it with good results...your fate may not be so sweet) ...as that could really hiss her off. Recovering your good name once she figures out how to download and use the scanner could take years.
Offered by: mikaelah on July 8, 2002 3:20 PMAaron: I'm dressed in my best salmon suit. Now what?
Thomas: Are you talking about threatening her with "kitty" porn?
Offered by: Jodi on July 8, 2002 2:51 PMYou could cry, plead, beg or even bribe your cat, but she still won't acquiesce.
Fear not, for humans are more clever and powerful; We have the mighty CATNIP. Even the mightiest lion is reduced to a simpering junkie jerking about to a silent rythmn akin to a Solid Gold Dancer from days of yore.
It's a cheap shot, but very effective. Then, when she's strung out, take some candid photos of her posed with a bulldog. When she comes to, let her peruse the pictures, informing her you have a duplicate set stored in a safety deposit box at the bank. Let her know unless she abdicates the crown of alpha-cat of your household, you'll be forced to broadcast those photos with a "Love Is..." poem across the internet.
Sometimes, you just have to play their game.
Offered by: Thomas on July 8, 2002 2:40 PMI've dressed up like a fish...
Offered by: aaron on July 8, 2002 2:20 PMOh, Tess. That one actually caused an involuntary flinching in my stomach.
Offered by: Shawn on July 8, 2002 1:44 PMMew've really done it meow!
Offered by: Tess on July 8, 2002 1:23 PMperhaps you could dress up like a fish...
Offered by: aaron on July 8, 2002 1:05 PMOh, Jodi! How could you?! Cats are very sensitive to this sort of thing. I'm afraid this won't be easy for you to fix. A good start would be some premium wet cat food, in a crystal footed bowl. A new cat bed, covered in silk. That would be enough to calm down my Demon, but I think a female cat will need a little more coaxing.
Offered by: Kim on July 8, 2002 10:48 AM
