M E M O R A N D U M
TO:
Stumpy Jackass Who Flung A Lit Cigarette Butt Behind Yourself Onto The Sidewalk, Which, Had It Scorched Me, Would Have Resulted In The Butt Being Shoved Up Yours
Woman In Huge Hat Who Somehow, Despite Petiteness Of Frame, Managed To Block Everyone Else From Passing You In The Middle Of The Supermarket By Moving More Slowly Than An Arthritic Snail On Lithium
Petite Woman With Wimpy Wheelie-Cart Thing Who Took Up The Entire Sidewalk On Sixth Avenue (Perhaps The Supermarket Woman's Twin Sister)
Chick With Cell Phone Who Didn't Have The Decency To End Your Riveting Conversation Before Entering The Pilates Studio
Two Doofi Unfortunately Clad In Patterned Short-Sleeved Shirts With Knit Collars (Thank You Men's Wearhouse) Who Insisted On Conversing Loudly Across Two Lines Of People Waiting For Cashiers At Whole Foods
Woman In Condiment Aisle At Whole Foods Who Stood Transfixed By The Variety On Display As If You Just Arrived From Russia Even Though Your New York Accent Revealed Otherwise
Hideous, Misshapen Loser With Horrid Posture Who Cut Ahead Of Others When A Newly Available Cashier At CVS Said, "Next In Line", Despite The Fact That The Rest Of Us Had Been Waiting Longer Than You Had
From: Me
Re: News Flash
Contrary to what you obviously and obliviously think, you are not the only person on the planet.
Please make a note of it.
/j
cc: Everyone On 23rd Street
fresh-baked at 02:25 PMI think those of us who understand what you are talking about should get some notices printed up, using your example as a guideline. Perhaps printed on post-it notes. Then, as we move through our lives and encounter the unfortunate who need such training, we can easily whip off a notice and begin their education process in that moment. I know that I would use them a lot of people who park their cars in two spaces in the parking lot, and the post-it note format would let me stick it on the window.
I like this approach.
Offered by: Desert Mermaid on August 13, 2002 5:35 PMPlease add:
-people who drive slowly in the PASSING lane. Yes, you are driving the speed limit. So what? If you want to drive that slowly, move it over.
"Doofus" is a latin word??
Offered by: aaron on August 13, 2002 8:38 AMYeah, condiments are the best.
Strangest thing of all is the voices that I hear in my head early in the morning. They say "Condiments are much stronger and more powerful than you believe."
What if the voices are right? Maybe the condiments hold the key. Y'know - the key! In the condiments.
Wow. Heavy.
Offered by: Pete on August 13, 2002 6:30 AMUmmm. I was that women in total awe in the condiment aisle today. Those new Heinz Ketchup Kickers kick some serious ass.
Offered by: Nicole on August 12, 2002 6:10 PMHorrors! This does not sound like Cole Porter’s Manhattan. You should be lunching at La Cote Basque and dancing at the Mocambo until dawn.
Offered by: Mad Genius on August 12, 2002 4:51 PMOMG! I hear you, on all of those types of people.
Let's add:
People who won't shut the fuck up in cinemas
People who insist on carrying out the most uninteresting and unfunny conversations, in restaurants, at newspaper street vendor volume level, forcing the surrounding tables to have to listen, or strike up equally loud conversations.
People who nearly run you off the highway, because they don't see you when changing lanes in their full-size SUV, which is clearly bigger than their driving ability can cope with.
People who insist on telling you about their skiing or snowboarding exploits.
People who don't discipline their children when they're being naughty, bratty, or just shrieking in public.
Those utter arseholes who drive around with their "My child's an honor student at " stickers
Politicians who let their religious beliefs affect their work in politics.
People who take too long turning a corner in their car, almost completely stopping to think about it, when those of use behind them, are judging our speed, so as to reach the corner after they've cleared it and not to have to stop.
People who pull out of a side road in front of you, and then don't fucking bother to accelerate for ages, causing you to have to slow to their single-digit speed.
People who don't signal when changing lanes.
I'll stop now, and let someone else take the reigns.
Offered by: Max on August 12, 2002 4:25 PMI have come to the conclusion that each human being has it as his or her conscious or unconscious purpose to offend or otherwise make life less enjoyable for some other human beings.
Some people become real overachievers.
Offered by: Don on August 12, 2002 4:23 PMYou blog every day? *Every* day? You're my hero.
Offered by: Tracy on August 12, 2002 4:17 PMAhhh, yes. You've hit on a good cross-section of my pet peeves also.
People suck.
Offered by: Kelly on August 12, 2002 4:12 PM
