That's right. Yours. And yours. And yes, even yours ... you, in the back of the room, sneaking peeks at the latest issue of "Hole" magazine behind your Social Studies book.
I need your help.
You see, I've been out of "whack" lately. (No hilarious masturbation comments. Believe me, I've already thought of 'em. So I beat you to the punch. And yes, I realize that "beat" can be construed as masturbatory, too, so ... don't even think about it.)
Anyway, as I was saying ... I have been out of whack. What's been happening is that I've been staying up waaay too late. Sometimes as late as 2:30 a.m. And it's not because I've been out PARTYING or CLUBBING with all the cool kidz, shaking my fabulous boo-tay and tatas and whatnot with all the hip 'n' swingin' groovesters who stumble down my street at 3:30 a.m. singing loudly and thinking they're cute. No, it's because I've just been "off". My energy, man. My energy is out of sync. (Don't make a Bass out of yourself and say I need to get back *NSYNC, OK? Thank you.)
I need to get back into my Benjamin Franklin mode. "Early to bed ...". You know the deal. I must make sure I'm in bed no later than 11:00 p.m. so I can wake up at 5:00 a.m., get my fiiine ass (and the rest of me) in gear, and start my days earlier. Get to the gym at 5:45. The old routine. Not this alternate version that has me feeling like I'm wearing someone else's shoes. (P.S. Wearing someone else's shoes is kinda gross. Something about it just makes me feel a little green in the face.)
So you can help me by doing this: If you see any indication that I am online late into the night a/k/a wee hours of the morning — a hilarious new entry "fresh-baked" at 11:52 p.m. or a comment on someone else's site, or, for those of you who have my AIM or MSN screen names, if you see I have not yet signed off — please send me an email telling me to get the fuck to bed. Remind me that I'm going to hate myself the next morning when I wake up "late".
Because, you see, if you help me, you'll be helping YOURSELF. That's right. If I get myself in gear early, I can get back to the apartment by 7:45 or so and have a fabulous new entry waiting for you when you get to work. And I ask you ... what better incentive is there?
Thank you. Thank me.
fresh-baked at 12:30 PMAaron:
Re: "Moustrap"
Do a Google on Rube Goldberg. He was a cartoonist who came up with all kinds of bizarre combinations of mismatched contraptions all ending up completing some usually relatively easy task.
Insane genius.
Offered by: Don on September 13, 2002 11:57 PMPermission to bitch slap you? I'm on it!
Offered by: Tess on September 13, 2002 5:44 PMYou could always rig up an elaborate contraption (again, a-la "Mousetrap") in which you get one of those clocks that makes a different bird sound every hour, find a cat whose favorite food happens to be the 11:00 PM bird, set a pane of glass in front of the clock, so that when the cat jumps for the bird, it will instead softly hit the glass, causing it to fall and trip the switch on one of those "power strip" things, into which is plugged a cassette player, all queued up to play that "Brandy, you're a fine girl" song.
Naturally, your first instinct will be to lunge to shut the machine off, (which will be cleverly placed behind your bed) and when you smack the stop button, you will jar the machine just enough to release the rope that it had been resting on, letting the other, weighted end fall down - first onto a see-saw, launching a pillow behind your head - and second, onto another rope, which will be attached to a pully system, which when triggered, will shut your bedroom door (which will have already been pre-fitted with a handle that locks from the outside, and will be in the "lock" position.
Now trapped in your bedroom, you will stumble for the door, forgetting that it is locked, and you will step on a board, under which there will be a string that is tied to the fuse box, cutting the electricity in your room. Once the electricity is cut, the fan that had been turned upwards, keeping a piece of paper afloat will shut off, causing the paper to sink down to the ground. When you pick it up, it will be the words to a nursery rhyme / lullaby that your parents (or guardian) would sing to you to get you to fall asleep when you were a little kid.
And Bingo!
Asleep by 11:15.
Offered by: aaron on September 13, 2002 4:32 PMI say you stay on pacific time. We're the "correct" time zone.
Offered by: Dan the Goose on September 13, 2002 3:49 PMI would gladly help you with this problem except that my own bedtime is 10 pm. At which point I usually collapse out of exhaustion. I'm such a wimp. Heh.
ANYhow, I do know that gross feeling of having your schedule knocked out of whack... perhaps you should invite people to tell you about their dreams long about 10:55 pm tomorrow night?
Offered by: revolution9 on September 13, 2002 2:39 PMI'm in an even odder predicament. Your 11pm is my 8pm. Maybe you could look for me. If you see me.....say hello. Tell ME I should be thinking of getting my ass into bed. I will tell you the same thing. By the time I actually do get my butt in bed it will be about 11pm...I'll be able to sleep better knowing that I got you to your goal safely and that you got me to mine.
Offered by: Joan on September 13, 2002 2:20 PMI'll do what I can, but seeing as your 11pm is my 4am, I think it is unlikely that I will be able to help you on this one.
Time zones. What a bummer, eh?
Offered by: Pete on September 13, 2002 2:13 PMNancy: Don't worry. My supersonic brain fills in the missing words automatically. Nifty, yes?
Nicole: Are you trying to tell me you don't adore all the beautiful time we spend together online?
Deliah: I am weeping as well. Please take more pictures of her, and send them to me. (And scold me, yes, please. Mistress.)
Jason: I type as fast as I think. The fingers are a blur. Fascinating!
Don't you just love when I address all of you personally? Doesn't it make you feel cherished? Yeah!
Offered by: Jodi on September 13, 2002 1:49 PMNancy - It's because your brain is still moving faster than your fingers, and that's a good thing. I loathe the day that my brain slows down to accommodate my addiction to typing these incessant comments here and there on the web. Oh wait - was that just a rant? :0)
Offered by: Jason on September 13, 2002 1:23 PMOOoh, scolding.
How I love to scold.
Should I be on AIM late at night I shall scold heartily...though I think my anti-social activities at home are going to be curtailed since the arrival of the sandgropers last night.
PS. Gracie is leaving us this weekend. I weep to think of it.
Offered by: Deliah on September 13, 2002 1:06 PMI hear ya. Let's face it, we're pissing out lives away in front of a screen.
Offered by: Nicole on September 13, 2002 1:05 PMOh for the love of God. I'm in the "process" of making the same changes. What on earth goes on in your brain that makes you skip entire words when you're writing?
Offered by: Nancy on September 13, 2002 12:47 PMJodi, I'm in the of making the same changes. If you like, send me your AIM name, I'll add you to my list, and will gladly send you a scolding message if I see you up too late.
Offered by: Nancy on September 13, 2002 12:47 PM
