I'm prettier than you are.
Wednesday, 18 September 2002
Schlock Market

Listen. Just listen for a minute, OK? Stop doing countless Google searches for people you haven't seen in years ... or adding more things to that Wish List ... Just stop. Listen up.

Just because they make it doesn't mean ya gotsta buy it. Just because scads of manufacturers have a "We make it, you buy it" sort of thing going on, what with makin' a whole lotta nada in the form of hideous schlock, doesn't mean you have to buy it. Dig?

(For the so-called "record", I'm not talking about "kitsch", which I adore. Schlock and kitsch are not the same thing.)

OK. So what exactly constitutes shlock? Well, it's not an exact science, so I'll just provide a list of items that, although available in stores and online, should not be purchased. Ever. EVER.

  1. Tweetie Bird sweatshirts in sizes larger than a child's 8
  2. Coral lipstick
  3. Cowboy hats
  4. "Suntan" pantyhose
  5. Terrycloth headband and wristband sets
  6. Floral dresses with lace insets and self-belts
  7. Capri pants
  8. Thong leotards
  9. "Fanny" packs
  10. Mesh half-shirts
  11. Black lacquer bedroom sets
  12. White lacquer dining room sets
  13. Anything touted on TV by Victoria Principal
  14. Professional sports team jerseys (especially if intended to be worn to a game)
  15. Padded toilet seats (additional cringe factor if there is an embossed flower design on the lid)
  16. T-shirts with "Hottie" emblazoned across the chest
  17. Christmas sweaters
  18. "Rotary" phones with push-button dial
  19. Anything decorative shaped like a lighthouse
  20. Fabric flowers
  21. Fake plants
  22. Hummel figurines (just because they're expensive doesn't mean they're not hideous schlock)
  23. Any doll advertised in Parade magazine -- especially the baby "Michael" holding a baseball
  24. Decorative ducks with bows around their necks
  25. This

Numbers 26 to 1,186,997 forthcoming.

fresh-baked at 07:05 PM
Comments

I'd like to submit artwork by Thomas Kinkade and anything, ANYTHING from the Franklin Mint to the schlock parade.

Offered by: mike on September 22, 2002 3:22 AM

The abolition of all the items on your growing list will bring e-Bay to its knees, my dear Jodi. Is that what you want to be remembered for?! Ha ha ha!

You forgot to mention anything from "Home Interiors." Can we add that please!?

Offered by: Joni on September 19, 2002 3:11 PM

I found my horrible capri pants picture!!

(I was fifteen at the time, but still that's no excuse)

http://members.aol.com/Lemonliquid/senorscar.jpg

I do still have the mickey mouse playing golf shirt though.

Offered by: Anita on September 19, 2002 1:45 PM

More "kitsch" than "schlock?" Well, maybe YOU need one Queen Jodi!
But at THAT PRICE? It's killin'me!

Offered by: Dee on September 19, 2002 12:31 PM

Actually, Dee, I think those crowns are a hoot!

Offered by: Jodi on September 19, 2002 12:12 PM

How about this for #1,186,998!

Offered by: Dee on September 19, 2002 11:48 AM

I know someone who wears practically nothing BUT Capri pants...

...but she's 4'11" and they fit her like regular pants, so that's excuseable.

And for the record, I do own an Oakland Athletics jersey, and I've had it for 11 or 12 years now, but I have never worn it to a game (because I live in Boston, and I'd get the crap kicked out of me.) But when I go out to Cali next summer, and I see the A's play, you betcha bippy I'm going to wear it, despite the fact that it fits me like a tent.

Offered by: aaron on September 19, 2002 10:24 AM

Oh the joy... someone else who lothes Capri Pants.
I often walk through the stores, yelling to them, saying "you can be shorts, or pants, but not short pants."
Of course, they never listen.

Offered by: stephanie on September 19, 2002 8:54 AM

I am so very happy to say that I own none of those. However, I'm noticing a slight theme... were the eighties not a happy time for you, Jodi?

I am personally morally opposed to those skirts that were ugly to begin with and then someone got the bright idea of putting the slit in the front. Can we add that to the list?

Offered by: revolution9 on September 19, 2002 8:33 AM

I feel so sorry for that baby.

Offered by: Pete on September 19, 2002 3:29 AM

christian action figurines, now thats a product I can get behind...

Offered by: ted on September 19, 2002 2:40 AM

I consider that kitsch, Robyn. It's hideous but does have some camp value.

Offered by: Jodi on September 18, 2002 10:37 PM

How 'bout anything painted on velvet?

Offered by: Robyn on September 18, 2002 10:26 PM

Now, which is more pathetic: buying a team jersey to wear at a game, or buying a team jersey to wear when you watch the team on TV? Oh, and I have not one but two New England Patriots Drew Bledsoe jerseys if anyone wants them. And I live near Philadelphia.

Offered by: tim on September 18, 2002 10:15 PM

I first read #5 as a terrycloth husband LOL!!

Offered by: JenBen on September 18, 2002 9:46 PM

Nicole: I suppose it depends. The ones I detest the most are spandex and worn with an oversized T-shirt that is worn to cover an oversized ass/thigh region.

When worn in a campy manner, such as this, I will accept them.

However, atrocities such as this are never acceptable.

Offered by: Jodi on September 18, 2002 8:50 PM

Robyn: I was actually going to include that, believe it or not. A friend actually sent me that link a while ago, and then I saw your entry about it on your site. It is definitely worthy of inclusion on the list!

That thing is downright hilarious, as are many of the other figurines in the "collection". And just think: there must be someone out there who purchased one not as a joke or for a gag gift!

Offered by: Jodi on September 18, 2002 8:41 PM

Now hold up. By "capri pants" do you mean the tight legging style capris or ALL capris?

Honey, I live in my Gap/Old Navy khaki capri pants in the spring and summer and I look daaaayuummmm (emphasis on the "yumm") GOOD!

As for the rest of it, welcome to where I live. Let me ouuuuuuuuuttttttttttt

Offered by: Nicole on September 18, 2002 8:39 PM

Add this to your list. It's too disturbing for words.

P.S. I have a "Hottie" t-shirt. It's folded up right next to my "Foxy" boxer shorts.

Offered by: Robyn on September 18, 2002 8:31 PM

And all of this fabulous stuff can be found at your local thrift store ladies and gentlemen!

Even the coral lipstick....

Yes, the thrift stores where I live are unsanitary.

Offered by: Anita on September 18, 2002 7:46 PM

Honey, I know the list isn't complete....but could you add DAY-GLO nail polish for anyone over the age of 18 who ISN'T a stripper? That's just WRONG! (Except....maybe...... on Halloween)

Offered by: Joan on September 18, 2002 7:28 PM