I'm prettier than you are.
Sunday, 29 September 2002
Pain Reaction

dominos

I'm so glad I stapled my thumb today. Otherwise, I may have forgotten that tomorrow I have to return a book to the library.






Here's how it worked.

  1. I accidentally stapled my left thumb this afternoon.

  2. After I thought, "Duh, you retard," and "Oww" and "Fuck" and "You know what, blood is such a pretty color," I thought, "Say, that hurts! Can you imagine how painful a stabbing would be?" And then I reflected for a few seconds about "Death of a Cheerleader", a gripping Tori Spelling/Andrea Martin drama that I watched this morning on Lifetime.

  3. I lingered on the thought of stabbing as I pressed more blood from my thumb. Thought about how I would love to paint the powder room the same color. Or have someone paint it for me, since I have no patience.

  4. While in the other bathroom washing my flesh wound and marvelling at how much more copious and scandalous the blood looked when mixed with water, I thought, "If this is how much a tiny puncture hurts, I can't imagine a knife plunging into my body and rupturing my spleen." So I imagined it, and envisioned multiple stabbings inflicted with a variety of extremely sharp and gleaming knives.

  5. I considered the damage that could be done with a series of chainsaws, ice picks, and a stunning array of other household implements and garage tools that could also be adapted, quite readily, for use as instruments of torture.

  6. I thought, "Ow" as my little staple wound throbbed under the pressure of the tap water. I wondered if I could trick myself into identifying the sensation as pleasure instead of pain.

  7. I dried my hands and thought, "I don't think so. But you never know."

  8. I remembered the torture and murder victims in "American Psycho". I thought, "The movie was nowhere as disgusting as the book."

  9. I sucked my thumb a little.

  10. I realized "American Psycho", the book, was still resting on the little table by the front door, awaiting return to the library, and that it is due tomorrow.


And there you have it, in ten easy steps.

fresh-baked at 02:32 PM
Comments

I am so glad to see there are other tangental thinkers out there! I like to think it's a sign of great creativity instead of insanity.

Offered by: anne_nyc on October 1, 2002 2:53 PM

Next time you want to remember something, it's usually considered less painful to tie a string around your finger.

Offered by: Addlepated on October 1, 2002 12:04 AM

Last week when I was shot in the gut at the 7-11, I thought to myself, "Wow, I feel all warm and cozy." I also wondered why Crayola hadn't made a blood colored crayon for the kiddies -- I agree, soOOOOOO pretty.
There's a site for 60yo old men who like to suck on thumbs, and something about a diaper fetish. That's another issue all together.
Anyway, the gunshot wound has completely healed and I'm back in my pilates class reading Jackie Collins' "Bitch" for the 9th time.

Offered by: Jay on September 30, 2002 10:23 AM

"They" say that a major wound actually hurts LESS than a small, superficial one in some ways due to shock and due to the fact that nerve endings, particularly in fingers, are so close to the surface of the skin. I think "they're" lying, however.

Offered by: revolution9 on September 30, 2002 9:23 AM

Well now you've gone and done it. When we thought we'd seen every conceivable piercing, Jodi goes and invents pierced thumbs (pierced pinkies are so 1998, man.)

Jodi, as a side note, I shant skewer your bjorn with my needling ideology anymore. I've nailed down my beliefs and won't poke holes in others just to make a point. From now on, I won't take jabs at Lance even if he's being a prick. Judging from the barbs of others, I'm a piker. I'm sure my decision will spike the number of readers willing to pin their notes here.

Offered by: Thomas on September 30, 2002 8:54 AM

Am I the only one that clicked that thumb link more than once just to see?

Offered by: karlo on September 30, 2002 12:29 AM

Dr. JenBen will email you aprescription for thorazine in the morning.

Offered by: JenBen on September 29, 2002 11:24 PM

Re: Point #9.

Damn. Your footnote beat me to the punch.

But you know what a perv I am.

Which reminds me, did you get that uniform back from the dry cleaners yet?

Offered by: Max on September 29, 2002 7:19 PM

Ouch, mother fucking staplers! I hate when that happens. Of course, the meat thermometer in the ear isn't all that pleasant either.

Offered by: Joan on September 29, 2002 6:59 PM

I had a comment about ten degrees of separation, but I can't possibly follow that last one.

Oh well, maybe another day.

Just a thought, though, Nicole. What did your experience cause you to experience, ten degrees separated?

Offered by: Don on September 29, 2002 4:48 PM

I did the stretch vulva thang (see post below) and I accidentally stapled my labia this morning!

Offered by: Nicole on September 29, 2002 4:37 PM