This past Sunday as I was going through the section of the New York Times that contains all of those annoying wedding announcements — a weekly ritual that never fails to leave me screaming, "I am never reading this shit again! These people all need beatings! I hate ALL of them! I want them all to be divorced in two years! And what's up with this one's hair anyway???" — I noticed a familiar name.
The name of a former, uh, "flame". Or beau. Or suitor. Or whatever the hell you call someone you went out with a few times, who said he really liked you, had a blast with you, thought you were gorgeous and sexy and witty and fabulous, but who insisted on being a douchebag and chasing other, less gorgeous/sexy/witty/fabulous skirts around town.
Anyway, his wedding announcement was in the paper, along, of course, with that of his wife/bride. However, only her photo appeared. Just a little rinky-dink snap of her face. (I won't say what I think of her looks. I won't mention her white-bread, pearls-and-angora-sweater, sorority girl, hello-I-have-a-trust-fund appearance. I mean, I really hate to judge a book by her blond cover. I do.)
Well, apparently I'm not the only person who thought, "Oh, that's a really good sign. Now there's a marriage that's going to last a lifetime!" because last night, after Chad (my personal assistant, of course) and I were on MSN Messenger well after 11:00 p.m. discussing something that needed our immediate attention, I watched David Letterman. Turned it on just in time to see that he was showing wedding announcements from last week's Sunday NYT and commenting on whether or not he thought the marriages would last.
Every annoucement he showed contained two ridiculously happy people smiling for the camera. And each of these marriages, Letterman pronounced, would last. The last annoucement he presented was the one for my ex-whatever and his new bride. And he made the same comment I made (evidence, of course, that I am too big for my "blog" and simply must have my own late-night talk show). "The guy can't even show up for the picture. Yeah, this one's really going to last!"
Of course, I wish "C" and whatever-her-name-is all the best. I wish them love and good fortune and many many unicorn- and rainbow-filled moments of light and laughter and spiritual unity. I wish them every happiness in the world. I just want what's best for them. And I just hope, for the Sweetheart of Sigma Chi's sake, that true love cures impotence.
Mazel tov!
fresh-baked at 12:00 PMThere should be a planet where you can send your exes to so you never have to hear from them, or about them, ever again. When you're done with them, you're done.
Offered by: Suzy on October 4, 2002 9:47 AMNever did the announcement in the paper thing...but have a freakin' 16x20 portrait of us hanging in the living room. Still not enough to keep us together.
Jodi, can you write the eulogy to my (former) marriage? This piece was so perfect....I think you could do wonders with something for me.
Offered by: Joan on October 3, 2002 6:12 PMIt's big, it's BIG!
Offered by: Alex on October 3, 2002 4:08 PMOh how shamed must the bride-to-be be feeling? Well, I guess you'd agree that's the least of her problems?
Offered by: maddy on October 3, 2002 3:19 PMI love trying to find old friends/flames and laugh at knowing that there's no way in hell that they're going to be together longer then the honeymoon.
This guy I used to hang with, his mom would always cut out the "uglist bride of the week" and hang it on the fridge as a reminder of who NOT to marry.
I haven't seen his name listed in the paper yet.
Offered by: Stephanie on October 3, 2002 3:14 PMIsn't it a pleasant surprise when life gives one an unsolicited and unexpected affirmation of some bit of pent up negativity that we have been carrying around for a while?
Sometimes such a experience even allows us to put it down, walk away from it and have one less burden to carry with us.
Offered by: Don on October 3, 2002 2:43 PMIt'd be dificult to have a late night talk show without ever showing your face. I could never see you doing it. :0) Not that you wouldn't be good at it of course.
Offered by: Jason on October 3, 2002 2:26 PMHey, leave the lawyers out of this!
Offered by: Jodi, Esquire on October 3, 2002 1:53 PMAaron, vampires are blood sucking creatures, and you've seen lots of lawyers in pictures, right? Maybe Jodi's ex-something wanted to be included, but the Theta-Cappa-Smegma sorority gal decided she was way to perfect to have her wedding ruined by HIS picture.
That or he was too busy with the next Mrs. C. trying to get it up.
Offered by: Thomas on October 3, 2002 1:43 PMOh that's hilarious. I noticed the same picture and thought much the same thing.
Offered by: Nancy on October 3, 2002 1:20 PMMaybe he was there for the picture...but he's a VAMPIRE!!!!
(wait...vampires don't have reflections, but they do show up in pictures...or is it the other way around...I can't remember.)
Offered by: aaron on October 3, 2002 1:10 PMWe didn't even list an announcement. I wonder if that's why we're separated now...?
Offered by: revolution9 on October 3, 2002 12:46 PMBeautiful!
Offered by: LA on October 3, 2002 12:36 PM
