I woke up this morning with a stiff upper lip. Sounds sexy, doesn't it? Well, I assure you it's not. The lip looks normal, but it feels tight and chapped. I daresay it even feels a little numb. It is not responding to the tiny dab of Vaseline that the DOG suggested I apply. (I will not tell you what I said about Vaseline. It's too disgusting, even for me.)
This can only mean one thing.
I have scleroderma.
Yes, I have a debilitating disease. No mere chapped lip, this. No mere irritation brought about by hot water or exfoliant or an exuberant scrubbing of my entire face because, for five minutes, I was convinced my face resembled a topographical map of Peru. No, it's definitely something more insidious.
It's either scleroderma, or my top-secret experiments with the teleportation device I developed here in my lab have transformed my flesh a la Seth Brundle and my cat will be batting my corroded lip down the hall sometime later this afternoon.
But I'll be strong. I'll be brave. I'll stare this affliction down, and through the sheer force of my staunch will, I'll ward it off just like I did the lupus, multiple sclerosis, brain tumor, cancer (colon, breast, and cervical, among others), anthrax, appendicitis, jaundice, mumps, diabetes, hepatitis, and tetanus.
In the meantime, though, should I call someone? Or should I just wait until Tuesday, when I go in for my distemper shot?
Either way, I'll keep a stiff upper lip.
Keep me in your thoughts. Thank you.
fresh-baked at 12:49 PMMy mother goes through this kind of thing. Whenever she comes down with something, she wants to find the cause/cure before the doctor. It's kind of like a contest I guess.
On the other side of things, I actually do have connective tissue disease (though not scleroderma). If you had it, you'd know. They're nasty little buggers.
Offered by: tim on October 9, 2002 5:05 PMdon't call me.. i'm too busy dying at home with the latest affliction: death by flu.
Offered by: LA on October 8, 2002 1:29 PMI had something quite similar today actually. I was sat at my desk, just absent mindedly musing over some softcore pornography, and then all of a sudden... actually, it's not similar at all, is it?
Never mind.
Offered by: Pete on October 7, 2002 6:26 PMOh my God. I thought I was the only one who was constantly being debilitated! Last week -- in addition to the hypochondria -- I had Legionnaires' Disease and scabies.
Offered by: Scott-slut on October 7, 2002 3:46 PMYou too, huh?
I haven't had a lip problem, but most of those other ones... yeah.
There should be something in the medical literature about people with such staunch wills.
Offered by: revolution9 on October 7, 2002 2:38 PMGirl, you been rimmin' those tricks again? Huh? I warned you.
Offered by: Jay on October 7, 2002 1:14 PMI am lighting a candle for you...be brave! Advances in medical technology happen all the time, just hang in there.
Offered by: Sally on October 7, 2002 12:12 PMLet me know if you want my face surgeon's number; he is also my colonist. He is a miracle worker. He has kept my face looking youthul and fabulous for years. The man is brilliant, simply brilliant. This is a sample of his handy work.
Offered by: Mad Genius on October 7, 2002 11:51 AMDearest Jodi and her contributors;
I accept full responsibility for Jodi's delicate condition.
Some time ago, I told Jodi the location of my uber-secretive website that has my picture on it. Now, I must bear the shame of knowing that dear, sweet, innocent Jodi damaged her lips by repeatedly kissing her monitor. Surely some will blame the electrical current in the screen itself but, as a raging conservative, I hold steadfast to my belief that "monitors don't numb lips, people numb lips".
I will gladly register with the medical facility of Jodi's choice to donate lips tissue. I'll also endeavor to assist in Jodi's rehabilitation by resistance therapy using a supply, yet tumescent tubular foriegn body in her mouth. It's the least I could do.
Offered by: Thomas on October 7, 2002 10:35 AMPerhaps it is mange or leprosy?
Meanwhile, I'll be nursing my fibromyalgia or perhaps MS.
Offered by: deliah on October 7, 2002 10:27 AMDon't worry! These new ones will help you out. This will help you achieve with that timeless classic look!
DataCloud
But on the GOOD side, at least I'll be able to act out my most favorite drama scene as I lean over your coffin and say:
"God? Why did ya have to go and kill such hot snatch?"
That's about the highest compliment I know to give someone.
btw...it could also be a raging case of Herpes getting ready to break out. Just FYI.
Offered by: Beau on October 7, 2002 8:51 AMI think you should add a good medical book to your Amazon wish list. This way, you can read about even more exciting new diseases to get, and may even, as an added bonus, get a few paper cuts in the process. Ouch!
And I thought I was having a tough time... LOL
Offered by: Desert Mermaid on October 7, 2002 4:01 AMThe House of Representatives is in your corner (Thanks, Mr. Felber).
Offered by: tim on October 6, 2002 9:00 PMLOL, Nicole.
This sounds a little like the process that I undergo every time I have a tingling sensation in my arms. A recurrence of my tendonitis? I think not. Almost certainly a debilitating and incurable disease that attacks the muscular system. Oh yes.
You'll be fine. I prescribe excessive amounts of tofu and iced coffee. And call me in the morning.
Offered by: Dr. Kel on October 6, 2002 8:44 PMOh my GOd. It's already taken your nose!
Offered by: Nicole on October 6, 2002 7:28 PMwait for the distemper appointment.
Offered by: the resident r.n. on October 6, 2002 4:50 PMDear god, I hope it's not genetic.
Anyhow, I was once able to ward off the black plague using only the sheer power of my will, and a nice doily idea seen on Martha Stewart's Living.
I don't know if Ole' Martha will be able to come through for you like she did me, but I hear that Graham Kerr is making fabulous advances in barbeque sauce based medication.
Best of luck.
Offered by: leo on October 6, 2002 2:25 PM
