When talking with someone on the phone or chatting with someone via one of the messenger services, or even when actually in someone's company in the flesh, what's the proper way to tell someone that he or she is boring the living flying fuck out of you? Is it rude to just start snoring? Or pretend someone is knocking at the door even if you're standing on a street corner? Or to tell the soporific drone that you think you hear your mother calling you, even though she's been dead for a decade?
fresh-baked at 04:12 PM
Next time I'm in Michigan...
Nothin to apologize to me for Dave. As long as Jodi doesnt delete your comment, your kosher. Speaking of kosher, how about dinner or lunch sometime? My place, cos I dont have the energy to lug around dehumudifiers...
my apologies if my post was boring to you, booboo.
Sadly BooBoo, it is not okay to kill people for posting boring comments. I would have been dead long ago if this were the case.
It is okay to kill people for drinking your Gatorade though, so here's what you do.
1) Find someone who has left a boring comment.
2) Track them down using a complicated and tedious system of IP tracking, computer-hacking, voice manipulation, and fraudulent claims of being a "technician" or a "network administrator."
3) Bump into them accidentally at a local hangout, start up a conversation with them, get to know them, and make them start to really like you.
4) Arrange to meet somewhere a little later on. Maybe coffee or dinner or a movie or something.
5) Bring a miniature portable dehumidifier, and a miniature portable humidifier, into which you have poured a homemade saline solution, consisting of 1 part table salt to every 2 parts water. Also bring gatorade.
6) Show up early, and prepare the area by turning both machines on. The salt in the air, mixed with the dryness created by the dehumidifier will surely render your victim thirsty. Conveinently excuse yourself, leaving your gatorade open on the table, or on a counter.
7) They will drink your gatorade.
8) Kill them.
Jodi, I thought your usual plan of telling me that the DOG is home and you have to go say Hi, was working perfectly well.
You get to not have to read my tedious IMs, and I get to be let down gently.
Hey aaron, is it ok to kill people for posting boring comments?
A friend of mine and I compete with each other to come up with the best ways to dismiss people when we're in such a situation. A few of my favorites:
1) While they're in the middle of a sentance, I simply start looking around the room, sigh and walk away.
2) I make up a hilarious excuse: "I'm sorry, but I just realized today was 'find something better to do' day. See ya later."
3) Brtual honesty: "This is seriously boring as shit. Do you have any better stories you could tell me now? Can you juggle or something? Jeezus..."
4) Grab a cell phone (ringing or not, it doesn't matter) say, "I gotta take this," and procede to have a long conversation with dead air about something completely inane, i.e: "Oh I'm not busy at all, how are you?... Good to hear, how's the dog? Did you get that pollup taken care of? Hahaha. Oh that must've been embarrassing. So what else is going on? No really, you're not keeping me from anything, I wasn't doing anything at all..." and so on. It gets across the message beautifully.
I love Aaron too.
I use the excuse that I got "bumped" offline. ::shrug:: it works.. sometimes.
...Or you could just kill them. This doesn't work so well online:
Online Boring Person: Jibba Jabba Jibba Jabba, Har Deedoo Daa.
Jodi: I am going to kill you.
Online Boring Person: LOL!
Jodi: No, seriously. You have made me suffer, and now I will kill you.
Online Boring Person: ROTFLMAO!!!
But in real life, if you are ever really bored by someone, just kill them.
Actually, as someone who is incredibly easily bored, I run into this a lot. There are two tricks that can be used here:
1) Completely take over the conversation. Make it clear to the other person that you have no interest whatsoever in what they have to say, do not acknowledge their contributions to the conversation, just go off on your own tangent almost completely ignoring them. About 20 or 25% of the time, this will actually get the message across, and when you're done, you'll find that the conversation is much more enjoyable. The other 75 or 80%, well...at least you didn't have to listen to/read their bull.
2) Completely back OUT of the conversation. Offer little more than a nod, or a "yeah." until the topic shifts to something you care about, or until they change the way they're conversing to be more inclusive. This one works more often, but it's a little meaner.
(I hesitated posting this, out of fear that you'd remember and employ these techniques next week, but I didn't want you to have to suffer any longer.)
Anything you tell the soporific drone (excellent word choice, Jodi!) is gonna be lost on him/her, since all he/she is interested in is the sound of his/her own (droning) voice. What you say won't matter. Heck, I'm not even sure your presence is really required. Just sneak off (and I know you can do so with the utmost grace and agility!).
In other words, just go, girl. You go, girl!
This has to be about me. It must be about me! God! I knew I was boring you! And if it wasn't me, how dare you even think "How silly of the boy to think it was him!" Don't deprive me of the attention I crave! I'll think twice next time you tell me that you have to have a spleenectomy! Ha! I just did my homework! Jewish women DO NOT have three spleens! You've used the spleen trick on me thrice! Bitch!
By the way, do you know how difficult it is for me to sit through a service where the cantor looks just like this man? I mean, I kept expecting him to start singing Welcomen, Bienvenue, Welcome!. I know, a little off topic but I'm a little off on red wine. Hic! Great Bar Mitzvah!
You know, if you don't want to talk to me, just say so. Why must you ridicule me publically?
You are the meanest woman in the whole wide WORLD!
(talk to you later!)
Doesn't work when you are in person, but over the phone or on messenger you can just use either the "I'm about to shit in my trousers" or the "I've got some gravy on the hob that is about to burn if I don't do something now."
I suppose all in all it depends if you want to save their feelings or not. If you don't really care about being nice, I find that "Why won't you just FUCK OFF?" normally works a treat.
I used to get rid of people on the telephone by saying "Hang on, I'm about to go through a tunnel..." and then making a crackling sound at them until they hung up.
Even works if you aren't on a mobile phone. Strange, that.