To KW: Passive-aggressiveness is so 2001. I suggest you try a different tactic. And while you're at it, you may want to update your wardrobe as well.

To Super Reek: Three miles in 19.34 minutes is fantastic, but so is washing your gym clothes. Your run may have knocked you out and taken your breath away, but all it took for me was inhaling the fetid, wet-sponge-stench of your clothing.

To the Elegant Tenants of Apartment 3F: Perhaps if you didn't leave an open trashbag in the vestibule, the UPS delivery attempt slip containing your apartment number wouldn't have accidentally fallen into it. Accidents do happen.

To PortlyBelly Mushroom: The camera can only be blamed for ten pounds, tops. Too bad it can't add inches, too, where they are desperately needed. Someone with your professed computer skills should certainly be familiar with the basics of Photoshop, right?

To Mr. and Mrs. X: She sells seashells by the seashore.

To You Know Who You Are: Yes, when I wrote this, I did have you in mind.