All right, so I may not be a "domestic goddess" and know how to do all sorts of household stuff. Or, OK, so maybe I know how to do it but I just don't like it. That's closer to the "deal". Yes, I know how to cook and can make some pretty incredible dishes, including a risotto with leeks and porcini mushrooms that an old beau who lived part-time in Tuscany deemed the best risotto he'd ever had. Yes, I can even bake too, in a real oven that isn't powered by a lightbulb. White and dark chocolate macadamia brownies to die for. Or at least worthy of suffering some sort of seizure for.
I have no idea, though, how to go about painting walls, refinishing furniture, sewing my own (or anyone else's) clothes, and a whole host(ess) of other domestic activities/tasks. The last time I sewed anything more than a button was in seventh grade, when my home ec teacher praised me on my innovative way of using corduroy so the wales were horizontal on the stunning camel-colored wrap skirt I'd created.
I don't do crafts. I cringe in stores like "Michael's". I don't make wreaths. (Which is OK because I detest them.) I don't own a glue gun. I don't BeDazzle.
I do none o' that stuff at all.
But I'm really good at coming up with ideas for inventions that I think the world needs now. Necessity is the mother of invention, as "they" (whoever they are) say, and I've got a need that requires attention, Mama. Hence, my latest invention idea; this: a sort of Band-Aid® for the roof of the mouth. I need one now. A couple of days ago I scraped mine with something (tofu can be so menacing), and now my tongue keeps prodding it and poking it and rolling around on it. And I can't stop.
By this time tomorrow, I imagine this tiny surface scrape will expand, courtesy of my tongue's insistence, into a bloody cavern, and I expect to feel my tongue curiously and tentatively making its way to the edges of my brain. I'm wondering what that will taste like. (Chicken, perhaps?) (UnChicken?)
If I were handier with a needle and thread, I'd just go in there right now, and zip zip zip, put a few stitches where they're needed. And add a pretty button while I was at it.
Oh, to be domestically inclined!
fresh-baked at 01:08 PMAaron, thank you for finally explaining how you got the way you are. Not that we don't love you.
Jodi, if you had seen me an hour ago with pate a choux all over the kitchen you would have laughed your ass off. In fact, I was thinking "If Jodi could see me now..."
Offered by: Zuly on November 13, 2002 2:02 PMDomestic Fact 1) My mom made me a pair of pants when I was in elementary school.
Domestic Fact 2) They were green, with yellow stripes.
Domestic Fact 3) She positioned the fabric wrong, so the stripes ran diagonally.
Domestic Fact 4) I was made fun of a whole lot every sixth or seventh day.
Offered by: aaron on November 13, 2002 12:35 PMListen, Domestic Goddess, you can somehow convince Christ to get on a cracker -- but I can't even squeeze cheeze onto a Triscuit. So you can't sew and refinish furniture. No problem!
Offered by: Jodi on November 13, 2002 10:16 AMNow I feel inadequate. I'm supposed to sew and refinish furniture? Christ on a cracker, I'm ruined! Ruined!
Offered by: Domestic Goddess on November 13, 2002 10:11 AMAnd it was camel-coloured?
Cool. I want one. Only less skirt-like and more trouserular.
Offered by: Pete on November 13, 2002 4:36 AMYou made a corduroy wrap skirt?
Offered by: maddy on November 13, 2002 2:57 AMPhilly, honey, you'll have to fight me for that one.
Offered by: Eyre ni Rhuth on November 13, 2002 12:13 AMI volunteer to take over the licking of the roof of your mouth 'til it's better.
Offered by: phillyg on November 12, 2002 9:51 PMI ♥ you, Kitty. Meow and forever!
Offered by: Jodi on November 12, 2002 9:25 PMI want a maid!
Offered by: Joan on November 12, 2002 8:42 PMIf that roof of your mouth thing is really killing you, never get a tongue piercing.
You know when you eat really hot ice cream pizza and those little pieces of flesh hang from the roof of your mouth, like cartiledge stalactites? (or is it stalagmites? it's sta-something. I know, we'll go with static-cling.)
Anyhow, imagine that those things are there, but instead of the comfort of your fleshy tongue, you have a small steel ball constantly rubbing against you and irritating you, much like our needs-to-be-neutered-as-soon-as-possible housepet Tiger does to our houseguests.
So what's the moral of the story? Always wear jeans when you enter my apartment. ALWAYS.
...
oh. and don't get a tongue piercing.
Offered by: leo on November 12, 2002 8:42 PMI have always wanted a Bedazzler..BAD!
Offered by: Michelle on November 12, 2002 7:46 PMAh, that menacing tofu...
Offered by: sally on November 12, 2002 5:37 PMEnough with the "anal lube" already. It turned my stomach on the first reference.
Offered by: Jodi on November 12, 2002 5:30 PMI tried the gum thing too, but it kept slipping off from the anal lube...
Offered by: Thomas on November 12, 2002 5:22 PMAlong the minty anal lube idea, except not at all.... When I get those horrid burns on the roof of my mouth from diving into pizza too quickly (you know, where you get that burnt up dangle skin thing?), I chew a piece of spearmint gum until the texture is smooth and just plaster that up on the roof of my mouth. The mint helps it feel better (and possibly heal) and the gum keeps my tongue from further fucking up the already fucked up area.
Now, about that purse I'm weaving from old dryer lint....
Offered by: Sassy McSmartpants on November 12, 2002 5:19 PMWell, you don't need any of that shi-shi/fru-fru crapola. Get yourself a tube of Jodispackle (available at most stores under the name Knox) and give your lightly moistened index finder a good coating. Then rub the roof of your mouth liberally. Then rub it conservatively. Then allow your pinky to rub it libertarianly before your piss it off. Hold your mouth open with your tongue curled up outside it a-la Snoopy yawning. Hold that pose for 5 minutes, or as long as you can. Rinse with tepid salt water. I don't know why it works, but I've saved myself from hot cheese scaldings from pizza countless times with this method.
Mint flavored anal lube works well too due to it's numbing probperties, it's ability to coat, and the fresh breath you're left with.
Offered by: Thomas on November 12, 2002 1:36 PMDahling, you MUST come over right now and let me fix that for you! Perhaps a little embroidery around the edges with lovely silver metallic floss? A tiny brocade tassel or two? A little corn-pone applique right THERE?
Offered by: Allison on November 12, 2002 1:25 PM
Domestic skills I enjoy:
1. Prancing about
2. Mischievously prancing
3. Prancing in a deliberate, yet nonchalant manner
4. Being generally prancey
Having said that, I suggest we worry no further about which domestic skills we may or may not possess, and instead retire to the parlor, where I shall swiftly open a fine bottle of Calvados, and we can fondly recall days of past prancing while enveloped in the seductive aroma of apple goodness.
Meow!
Meow again!
Offered by: Kitty Oh So Prancey on November 12, 2002 1:24 PM
