A few years ago, I was friends with this guy — we'll just call him Steve — whom I actually met via the internet. The story of how we actually met isn't that interesting, so I won't relay it here. (It involves a newsgroup about step aerobics. I'm sure you're shocked.) I thought he was the bee's knees, the cream of the crop, and, alternately, the cat's meow and pajamas. He adored me and insisted on bestowing upon me not only names that included a variety of royal titles but an array of fabulous gifts as well.
I flew out to see him quite a few times (he lived several states away to the west), and he actually drove out to see me quite a few as well, each time bringing me more fantastic gifts. And when he wasn't actually presenting them to me in person, he was sending them to me via some sort of express mail service. One time he even sent me, overnight, six dozen of the most outrageously mouth-watering homemade (by him, of course) chocolate-chip cookies ever to grace the planet. Yes, he was "all that" and a bag of chips. Chocolate ones.
He was a fantastic cook (vegetarian), an amazing writer, a great athlete, and possessed a cruel wit that I found utterly priceless. He couldn't dress for shit, though, but with a little effort he could have been quite sharp. All he needed was a few trips to Kenneth Cole, Banana Republic, and a few other black/gray stores, and he would've been set.
We were the best of friends for a couple of years. Because of the physical distance between us, we communicated quite a bit by Instant Message and email. We were prolific like you couldn't imagine. I think he's the only man I've ever met who could type as fast as I can.
We "should" have been a perfect match, but for some reason it just never worked for us. The physical/romantic thing didn't work. I tried to be attracted to him "that way", but it just didn't happen. He was in love with me and thought I was the most gorgeous, amazing, fabulous woman in the world (he showed exceedingly good [and accurate] taste), but it wasn't enough.
It wasn't enough because I found him physically unappealing. No, he wasn't fat at all (in fact, he had been OBESE, but had lost close to 100 pounds through diet and exercise and was extremely fit when I knew him) and he wasn't hirsute and he didn't have a deformed parasitic twin growing out of his side who spouted off comical one-liners. It's just that I couldn't look at his face full-on.
In profile, he looked very cute. He had a good nose, a strong chin, a fine brow. So when we were in a car, and he was focused on the road in front of him, I would actually think, "Hmmm, he's quite good-looking!" and would even sometimes act accordingly. I daresay I'd be coquettish (or as coquettish as is possible for me). But then he would turn to face me and the spell would be broken.
I don't know what the deal was. How could the nose and chin and brow that all looked so lovely in profile conspire to look so different when faced head-on? I just don't understand.
Walking beside him, I was fine. It was only when he would turn to face me that the revulsion set in. Imagine how much of a struggle it was to always position myself so that only his profile would face me. And here he probably thought I was trying to be romantic at restaurants by insisting that we sit on the same side of the table. Bah.
Anyway, he turned out to be a total liar about way too many important things (no, I won't say what), so my feelings for and about him did a total "about face". Now none of it really matters anymore, does it?
And you know what ... I make you a bet he didn't even bake those cookies.
Bastard.
fresh-baked at 11:57 AMHAHAHAHAHA!!!
ROTFLMAO!!!!!!
Now that was a funny Seinfeld Episode!!!
(I haven't heard that quote in years. Thanks for reminding me of that hilarious show!)
Offered by: aaron on November 15, 2002 7:09 PMHmmm, my first guess was that - since you met on a step aerobics newsgroup - it didn't work out because he was gay. :)
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Offered by: andy on November 15, 2002 3:13 PMLOL.
I can't help but suspect the reason you found him repulsive head-on was an instinct about his other, less charming, personality traits that emerged later.
Offered by: revolution9 on November 15, 2002 8:21 AMLeni said it well. Hits quite close to home at the moment. Pass me a tissue please.......
Offered by: Joan on November 15, 2002 1:32 AM"You see, according to linguists worldwide, the magnitude of being called 'j*di' is immeasurable. According to legend, one is only called 'j*di' immediately before attaining nirvana (which, from what I understand consists primarily of Pilates, tofu and stylish clothing)."
shut.up. i saw all the star wars movies, and i had no idea that jedi were into pilates. makes sense if you think about it, i guess. stylish is a bit of a stretch, though.
Offered by: julia on November 14, 2002 10:46 PMI knew a girl like that. From either side, she was absolutely beautiful. From the front though, there was just something about her...
maybe the way her eyebrows were angled...
maybe the way her eyes were slightly crossed all the time...
maybe the fact that her smile was slightly higher on one side...
or maybe the fact that she had two noses...
Anyway, I never could quite put my finger on what it was that bugged me about her. (I also never figured out how she could talk and sneeze simultaneously.)
Offered by: aaron on November 14, 2002 8:29 PMDarling, I had exactly the opposite problem once, looking straight at him, this boy was CUTE. But from the side, oh my God. His nose, HIS NOSE! The horror! Let's just say it kind of resembled... what?... Vermont, that's it.
Offered by: Scott -- the one you like on November 14, 2002 7:58 PMWow, and I thought I was the only one who had this problem of meeting people who looked good from the side. Thank you, Jodi.
Offered by: Chris-O-No on November 14, 2002 7:26 PMLack of honesty can make an attractive person, (profile or head on beauty) very unappealing. Lack of honesty in a marginally attractive person is "killer" though...my fortune cookie said that. How prophetic!
Offered by: sally on November 14, 2002 2:37 PMWhen I was an exchange student in Moscow some 13 years ago, there was a Soviet girl in my host's class that was very beautiful from the side. But, just dog awful from the front. We decided to call her "SideView."
Offered by: John-John on November 14, 2002 2:02 PMSee, I would have used some moniker like the ones above me did, but let's face facts.
The word 'leo' is one of the highest forms of flattery one can bestow upon another. By calling someone 'leo', your handsomeness/beautifulness/appealingness pales to one that is called 'leo'. It's roughly equivalent to saying s/he's the "mostest beautifulest handsomeest times infinity" person ever.
The only higher form of flattery than being called 'leo' is probably 'awemore'.
As the more astute among you will realise, the term 'j*di' wasn't mentioned in my comment. You see, according to linguists worldwide, the magnitude of being called 'j*di' is immeasurable. According to legend, one is only called 'j*di' immediately before attaining nirvana (which, from what I understand consists primarily of Pilates, tofu and stylish clothing). The legend also states that if you are unworthy to say/type the full name 'j*di', you will be struck down with a lightning bolt delivered from Barney's New York. Due to my superstitious nature, I felt I had to leave out the necessary 'o'. You know, just in case...
Offered by: leo on November 14, 2002 1:30 PMHey you! pssssst! Yeah you, Most Beautiful Gril blah blah blah. Listen - all of us toes are kind of sick of you blathering on and on about how beautiful you are.
If any of the people doting over you had any idea about what you did to look the way you do, they wouldn't be so infatuated. We toes - we're privy to the whole circus of self-degrading acts: the nosejob, the nosehair pluckings, the butthole waxings, the citric acid treatments, the countless pedicures (do you really think we give a shit how we look? do you think anyone else really does), the jeans two sizes to small and pinching off a major nerve in your left leg, etc.
Really, we toes are sick of your shit. Put on some sweat pants and get a bucket at KFC.
Most of all, please wear clean socks every day. We know that you think nobody can tell, but since we're trapped down there - it's kind of obvious to us.
Many thanks,
Big Toe (Left Foot)
I know your types. You talk big, but you are inferior to myself. If you could even taste for a second the feelings I get when I walk down the street, and everyone chants as one "Wow, who's that girl?" then you would truly understand how stupid your words look to me right now.
I am consumed with pity and fury. Mostly pity though.
I have no more time for you.
Offered by: The Most Beautiful Girl In The World on November 14, 2002 1:00 PMHandsome Person:
You have no idea what you are talking about. I doubt you are very handsome at all. At least not compared to me. My handsomeness is projected at every possible vantage point. Multiple interpretations of my handsomeness can be extracted from even one single perspective. Your three-dimensional handsomeness means nothing in a universe of my parallel universe handsomeness - it is everywhere and nowhere at once. Please never post on Jodi's site again.
I'm off to Pilates.
Offered by: Person More Stunning Than Handsome Person on November 14, 2002 12:46 PMThe metaphoric symbolism strikes me like a vicious slap, as it's mental reminants are akin to the taste of blood that lingers in the mouth afterwards.
I admire you for being so honest with yourself; For not stringing him along hoping upon hope that you'd one day wake up and think he was God's gift to you. I'm sure that after licking his wounded pride and emotions, he went on to a fufilling and meaningful relationship with new found knowlege and understanding of life.
My own "hideousness", as it were, was the cause of my most painful heartache. I didn't take the rejection well, but I did take it. Years later, when I met the woman who would be my wife, I had that experience, that knowlege, and it made me a better person; I wasn't hideous to everyone, just that individual.
Turning someone down isn't a bad thing, it simply allows them to go on and find someone who won't.
Offered by: Thomas on November 14, 2002 12:45 PMThis face full-on/profile business sounds pretty much like a perfect analogy of how we are on the internet and how we are in 'real life'. Scary.
Offered by: Leni on November 14, 2002 12:35 PMI am handsome in profile and frontal views. I do not empathize with your friend "Steve".
How unfortunate that he could not be as handsome at as many angles as me.
Offered by: Handsome Person on November 14, 2002 12:14 PM
