A few days ago, I had to do without electricity in my apartment for an entire evening. Thus, I was forced to stay away from bad TV and the internet. What was a girl to do? Snack? Eat everything in the refrigerator and freezer before it had an opportunity to rot and/or melt?
I decided to leave the refrigerator and freezer doors shut, to keep their respective cold and freezing intact as much and as long as possible. Because the gas was also turned off, I couldn't salvage anything by cooking it. (There's a joke in there somewhere about salvaging my cooking, but I don't feel like digging around for it.) Visions of heating everything in the microwave danced in my head (sugarplums not quite in season yet) until I realized, brilliantly, that ... the ... microwave ... uses electricity.
So I did what any pioneering Jewess on the prairie does: lit candles and suffered in silence. Tea lights, tapers. If I'd had those wacky birthday candles that automatically relight when someone tries to blow them out, I'd've lit them too and thus I wouldn't have had to worry about entertaining myself for the rest of the evening, given that the candles' fun is built-in.
One thing I didn't want to do, though, at least insofar as illumination was concerned, was light the "good" candles. The fancy candles. The special, pretty ones that I've had displayed in various candlesticks, candelabra, and holders for years. (And no, none of them are shaped like kittens. Don't get me started on whimsical candles. Please.) Waiting, like "good china", for some special occasion.
But what "special occasion"? A romantic interlude with my true love, Johnny Depp? An evening photo shoot conducted by Architectural Digest? Dinner with the Queen? (She does look lovely by candlelight.)
"Oh no, I can't use it," I said, eying the huge candle that would certainly last longer than any of the tens of tealights I was considering.
And then I used it.
And wouldn't you know it ... Johnny Depp appeared!
So the moral of the story is this: Use your "special occasion" stuff no matter what. Don't wait. Any occasion can be special. Isn't that pretty?
Oh, and another moral of the story is this: Don't eat re-frozen Soy Dream.
Oh yeah, and this: Con-Ed blows.
The End.
Fade to black ...
fresh-baked at 10:45 AM
"Visions of heating everything in the microwave danced in my head (sugarplums not quite in season yet) until I realized, brilliantly, that ... the ... microwave ... uses electricity."
Why is there no ellipses between the word "uses" and the word "electricity"? Now it appears that the end of the sentence was just rushed out. Blurted out. Have you ever stared at the word "electricity"? Has it ever begun to look like the name of a city to you? Electri City. Welcome to Electri City! Population 1,344,802. That has never happened to me. I am listening to a song called Delirium (State of Bangal Delhi Rias Mix). I offer this by way of explanation, perhaps justification.
"And no, none of them are shaped like kittens."
Sad. No prancing for you.
Meow!
Offered by: Prance is The Word on November 23, 2002 12:33 PMJewess on the Prairie. Ha, ha, ha, ha! Oh God! I'm dying here! I can just see you kashering your own chickens! Oh! I forgot you're a vegan. Growing your own vegetables! Yeah! Right! Ha, ha, ha, ha! Oh God! Make it stop!
Offered by: Mad Genius on November 22, 2002 8:10 PMJodio,
You need to have spare hamsters running the "wheel" supplying you an infinite source of electricity. I do. It is wonderful!
Offered by: sally on November 22, 2002 6:25 PMYeah. I went without electricity for four days last week, and believe me, in that situation you will use a candle shaped like a kitten, and you will praise every imaginable higher power that your roommate even had that candle, because otherwise you'd be sitting in a dark unheated igloo with no light by which to plot the homicidal riot you are about to inflict on the good folks at NStar for refusing to come turn it back on because they're LAZY UNCARING ASSHOLES!
On second thought, maybe using whimsical candles is what kept Johnny Depp from showing up. Or Denis Leary, for that matter. Damn.
Offered by: Jess on November 22, 2002 4:49 PM"Any occation can be special..." Are you pitching to helm the new Oprah magazine? Of course, we'd much rather see your gorgeous Jewess of Splendor face every month looking of illuminated dew than Oprah, pretty as she might be, but I'm just saying.
Offered by: Beau on November 22, 2002 3:31 PMwhen the power went out at my girlfriend's house, we made s'mores using her menorah.
[silence]
um...i didn't just get her in some sort of trouble or anything, did i? i was raised catholic, so i don't know if that's some sort of etiquette breach.
[silence]
it was her idea.
Offered by: julia on November 22, 2002 2:52 PMYour story reminds me of a tragic event from my youth that I would like to recount for you now. When I was maybe 9 or 10, the Northeast was hit with the full force of Hurricane Gloria, which knocked out trees, power lines, heaved rocks and bricks through windows, it was a serious storm. Well, some friends of mine and I had taken shelter in my parents' cellar, when a massive branch of a neighbor's black walnut tree was torn loose and thrown into our yard, crashing onto the bulkhead door - which was also the entrance and exit from the cellar. Trapped inside without heat, light, food, or electricity (thanks to the downed lines) we fought like animals over territory, extra clothing, and what little we could find that passed for food. Finally, out of sheer desperation, we decided to have an all-out, winner-take-all brawl...to the death. Only the winner - the strongest - would survive, and would do so by eating the remains of the others. Needless to say - as I am writing this here today, I was the victor that day. (Which is somewhat ironic, as one of my friends was actually named Victor. Weird, huh?)
But the saddest part of this ordeal is not the tragic loss of life, or the violent, animalistic tendencies that come out in all of us during the most severe adversity - no, the saddest part is that that final horiffic event took place in my parents' dining room, three weeks later.
Offered by: aaron on November 22, 2002 12:57 PMI hoped you'd like the "Johnny Depp Candle" I sent you with the Hickory Farms "Smoked Tofu Xtreme Snackz". Wait, that was the "Johnny Mosley Candle".
Ah, the "Johnny Depp Candle" came from "Slim N' Trim Low-Fat Tower o' Treatz".
Offered by: Thomas on November 22, 2002 11:50 AM
