When inching your way along the sidewalk (or pavement, if you will) (or even if you won't) (really, it's up to you) with your cohorts, please be sure that you position yourselves so that all of you form a wall of flesh so impenetrable and slow-moving that no other pedestrians can get past you and your lardian lummoxy lumbering.
Please note that the sidewalk is not, as commonly believed, a public space, but your own private playground, so your absolute oblivion is not only welcome but encouraged.
Bonus: For even more effective clogging, and in order to inhibit anyone else from enjoying their pavement privileges, be sure to take a much-needed, sudden break from your soporific shambling and stop en masse. If you even notice that those whose progress you have prohibited (and chances are you don't) are cursing you and calling you a variety of choice names, give those people only the dirtiest looks. After all, they clearly don't know that the universe does revolve around you.
No fucking WAY! I thought that was my own, personal pet peeve... and what about those little guys with the HUGE GOLF CART UMBRELLAS that span the entire sidewalk on rainy days (or do those assholes only reside in Chicago)?
Offered by: WendyCity on November 25, 2002 3:36 PMI prefer cattle prods placed appropriately to clear the "herd".
I've also noticed that straight couples seem to feel more "deserving" of the sidewalk space than we lesbian couples and usually force The Princess and I to step aside to allow for their couplage to pass. They are after all, a "real" couple. Puh.
Offered by: chari on November 25, 2002 2:46 PMReally...it is quite futile. It is all quite lost on the oblivious.
Offered by: deliah on November 25, 2002 12:36 PMNo no no, the point is being missed. It has nothing to do with gawking and everything with being oblivious. At least gawking involves taking an interest in something beyond one's own quivering mound of flesh. Oblivion involves no consideration beyond one's own fleshmound.
Offered by: Jodi on November 24, 2002 11:42 PMAnother good tactic is to start talking to your "companions". Especially if you are alone, the "gawkers" will suddenly start moving quickly away from you...leaving you ample room to stroll.
This works ALL the time!
Offered by: sally on November 24, 2002 11:32 PMWhile Aaron's method is quite effective at displaying your rage, I prefer a more proactive approach.
When the pedestrians are standing side by side, gaping at whatever wonders the city has to offer, burst through the line full speed.
If for some reason they get angry at you, explain that you had thought they started an impromptu game of Red Rover and swear you heard them say "... Jodi come over".
This is good for two reasons.
1) You get to inflict pain and suffering on those idiots in front of you.
2) Who doesn't like a surprise game of Red Rover?
Always keep a folding chair and a book handy. That way, you can sit down behind these people, pull your book out of your knapsack, and say "That's okay, take your time. I've got a book."
That may or may not get the message across. It also may or may not get you an ass kicking if the sidewalk cloggers are of the same sex as you, big, and mean.
Offered by: aaron on November 24, 2002 6:35 PMJodi, you keep to your side of the street and I will stick to my side of the street. It is that simple!
Offered by: sally on November 24, 2002 5:54 PMHoly crap.
Offered by: Pete on November 24, 2002 5:36 PMSarcasm?
Offered by: Jodi on November 24, 2002 5:27 PMIf your assumption that people understand sarcasm turns out to be false, you may be inadvertantly exacerbating the predicament.
Offered by: Pete on November 24, 2002 5:23 PM
