I hate blondes.
There. So now you know.
If you know me in real life (and statistics show that only .023% of you do), chances are that at some time you've heard me rail against corn-silk blondiosity. If you're my mother (and statistics show that only one of you is), you've been bestowed with a pretty poem entitled "Ode: To Be A Blonde". If you're Loni Anderson, then you have my apologies sympathies.
When I was younger, I wanted to be Marcia Brady. I wanted to brush my long blond hair 100 times a night too. I wasn't jealous of Marcia the way Jan was, though. In fact, I was also jealous of Jan if only because of her long blond hair. (That girl couldn't dance to save her life!) I couldn't understand why she would want to hide it beneath a hideous wig that made her look like a brunette Annie. (If you're not familiar with The Brady Bunch, then you won't get the reference. But no, I will not provide one. Because if you are not familiar with The Brady Bunch, then we have nothing further to talk about, you and I.)
I hate blondes because they don't have to do anything more than just be a blonde to get the attention of the hoi polloi and stupid men. Blond hair is the equivalent of big tits. Of course, most blondness is artificial and manufactured. As are most big tits.
Not that I even like the hoi polloi. Or want a stupid man.
Or blond hair.
Or big tits.
But you know what I mean. If you're a brunette (or other non-blonde), that is.
P.S. No "stupid blonde" jokes, please. Even if you're a blonde and thus consider yourself exempt from censure, I still won't be amused. Really.
UPDATE, 5 February 2004: Sadly, my archives were a bit messed up for a few days, and although I managed to restore my original posts, I wasn't able to restore quite a few of the comments. Those you see here are nothing compared to the dozens that people submitted months after this entry was originally posted. It's a shame, really, because there were some really dazzling doozies among those dozens!
Errrr don't feel bad...I'm a natural blonde with small tits, lol. Can't have everything eh!
You've obviously been brainwashed by the media girl...cummon men love brunettes (who aren't bitchy or jealous towards blondes)!
Offered by: Ali on December 8, 2002 11:39 AMThat doesn’t sound right, MG. I think Steckfassungen means sauerkraut. But why would someone want to see a blonde woman expose her chest whilst bouncing and consuming Steckfassungen?
Oh right, Germans. Forgot.
Offered by: jhames on December 3, 2002 5:42 PMJhames...If memory doesn't fail me, I believe that Steckfassungen means jumping jacks.
Offered by: Mad Genius on December 3, 2002 2:20 PM...and I have neither blond hair nor breasts of which to speak.
Offered by: jhames on December 3, 2002 11:57 AMMy German is a little rusty, but I think Adolph Bustenhalter, Jr. was trying to say “All women with the blond hair and the large Tits! Remove your clothes! Jump! Condemn it! All women do jumping steckfassungen!” I think “steckfassungen” has something to do with squirrels or shiny things from Tiffany’s, but like I said, my German is a little rusty.
And Erma honey? Jodi is just jealous that you’re naturally Swedish and blonde. I know for a fact that Jodi can’t help herself around IKEA merchandise—she stuffs as many Swedish blondes into her cart as she can push out the store before getting caught.
Offered by: jhames on December 3, 2002 11:57 AMAlle Frauen mit dem blonden Haar und den grossen Tits! Entfernen Sie Ihre Kleidung! Springen Sie! Verdammen Sie ihn! Alle Frauen tun springende Steckfassungen!
Offered by: Adolph Bustenhalter, Jr. on December 3, 2002 10:31 AMOh, damn I hope "Erma" is a clever little joke. Otherwise, she's made your point wonderfully, Jodi. ;)
Offered by: Shawn on December 3, 2002 10:29 AMRACIST! I am a natural Swedish Blonde, and mother of two beautiful intelligent blonde children. The stereotypes you perpetuate are nothing more than racism. In school my children suffer these prejudices towards blond(e)s. So called 'wandering Jew', I am disgusted, post-holocaust that you could perpetuate such prejudice and stereotypes. I agree totally with the blond male Jett. Stand up for blond(e) rights, and protect our childrens sense of self.
Disgusted.
Well, I guess it was fun while it lasted. I'll take my hair and tits out of your site sight now. ;)
Offered by: Sassy McSmartpants on December 2, 2002 9:53 AMHmmm. Well as a blond (note the MALE spelling), I get sick to the back teeth of these unfunny fuckers who think I'll be OOOOhhh so fucking amused by their blond(e) jokes.
Given that most of the dim bitches who give blondes a bad name are actually brunettes who've dyed their hair blonde, perhaps these 'blonde' jokes should be retitled "lying bruneette jokes", or "jealous brunette jokes"
I must say, that as a blond man, I've never recieved preferencial treatment from women, over a dark-haired guy. In fact some women are at pains to point out to me that they like men tall-dark-and-wealthy ...err... handsome.
Offered by: Max on December 1, 2002 10:12 PM*points wildly at self*
Blonde! Big bosomy things! For the record, I always wanted raven tresses, as I felt that blue-eyed blondes are a dime a dozen.
I'd still have you as my girlfriend, if we could work this little issue out.
If you put all blondes to death, would it be known as 'peroxicide'?? Just asking, is all.
Offered by: Jett on December 1, 2002 7:40 PMStrange....
This seems on the surface to be the work of our Jodi, but...
...
...I don't know, something seems...well, "off."
I can't quite put my finger on it, but perhaps we ought to question Roberta Flack.
Offered by: aaron on December 1, 2002 6:11 PMDid anyone notice how Courtney Cox started out small chested, then got bigger as the show went on? I find that a little odd....:)
Offered by: Amanda on December 1, 2002 12:23 PMfeh.
kaka.
Hun...the hair looks fabu! And the eye brow, nice touch! Just one question: did you mix a double batch?
Offered by: Mad Genius on December 1, 2002 10:37 AMI don't *hate* blondes, I've just never had any kind of good relationship with them being whether they were men or women. Not like I run to the other side of the street when I see a blonde though. I have two very good friends who are blonde Cin and Jules.. and both of them have been my friends through all my wierdiosity in high school after them... other blondes have a lot to strive for ..
Offered by: shannon on December 1, 2002 8:28 AMI don't have a problem with blondes. But when their roots are showing, that just doesn't look so attractive.
I have a slight preference for brunettes, but really I don't care about the colour of the hair - just how well looked after it is. It's actually one of the first things that I look at in a woman, if truth be told.
Offered by: Pete on December 1, 2002 7:28 AMHEY! There's nothing wrong with being blonde. Or having big tits. It's all in how you offer that to the world. Of course, I'm not a size 4. Or 6. Or even 10. So, I get to fade into the background for the most part.
Offered by: Joan on December 1, 2002 2:56 AMBlondes...NO, NO, NO!
Offered by: sally on November 30, 2002 10:41 PMNancy, I'm a brunette with blue eyes. It doesn't work unless you're built like, say Courtney Cox.
Offered by: Jody on November 30, 2002 8:51 PMStunning, really.
Offered by: Jodi on November 30, 2002 8:37 PMDarling…we are in America…Be all you can be!. Go ahead! You’ll have more fun!
Offered by: Mad Genius on November 30, 2002 8:08 PMIsn't that something? I always wanted to be brunette. With blue eyes. (I have reddish-blonde hair and green eyes.) I also wanted smaller breasts and an intelligent man, and got neither. Oh well.
Offered by: Nancy on November 30, 2002 7:36 PMThat's right. Cranky Chick is Jodi's mother.
Offered by: Tess on November 30, 2002 6:34 PM
