A recent information-hungry computer user found my site using the following search string:
Things+you+can+say+to+your+dog+but+not+your+wife
I have a hunch he did not find what he was looking for here. Because I believe that if you have a healthy relationship, anything you can say to your dog, you can say to your wife.
However, since I am very accommodating, I would like to address this internet traveler's needs, and hereby invite you, dearest readers, to supply the elusive "things" for which he was searching. Just imagine how cool it will be when someone forwards you a mass-mailing email containing an enumerated list of these items and your contribution is among them.
That's right: I'm asking you to leave comments that respond to that search string. Since some of you really seemed to dig the April Fool's Day funfest, I decided to allow you another opportunity to sparkle 'n' shine. Please make sure to do your sparkling and shining by Saturday night, though, because I will be closing the comments at that time. (Plus, by Saturday night you should be out sparkling and shining and NOT perusing my world-famous website.)
Search String Cheese will be an ongoing feature on this site. At least that's what I am saying right now. But who knows. Tomorrow I may wake up (or may not, if I die in my sleep, like that prayer hints at) (knock wood) and decide it's poppycock — and yank the whole cock, poppy and otherwise, out from under you. But for now, it's here, and, yes, it's queer, so get used to it. And get to it.
If you have not already voted in my very important poll, please do so! I will be analyzing the results sometime this week and need your input.
fresh-baked at 09:16 PM
I'm sending you away to a farm.
Offered by: Nils Ling on April 16, 2004 5:09 PM"C'mon, don't get in a pissing match."
Something timely that you can say to both your dog and your wife.
Offered by: J.W.Y. Latt on April 16, 2004 2:04 PMOr Thomas was simply to lazy to read through the previous comments, and will now apologize for his glaring error of redundancy;
Just let him screw you already; I didn't pay $150 dollars in stud dog fees for you to get all picky, now did I?
Offered by: Thomas on April 16, 2004 10:34 AMStill, she is and was a bitch, and that bears repeating.
Offered by: Nils Ling on April 16, 2004 9:14 AMThis last comment is almost identical to that made by G-Fry at 2:12 a.m. on April 12; to wit, "Your mom was a real bitch." The only difference is in tense of the verb "to be". Whereas G-Fry situates the mother-in-law's bitch-status in the past, Thomas places it in the present.
Offered by: Jodi on April 16, 2004 9:00 AMYour mother is a real bitch!
Offered by: Thomas on April 16, 2004 8:42 AM(Now, that's funny. And not at all boring.)
No! Don't eat your own feces! That's disgusting!
Offered by: Nils Ling on April 15, 2004 3:25 PM(Nils! Let's all play nice now. This is about comedy, and as Mel Brooks said, "Tragedy is accidentally cutting my finger. Comedy is you falling into an open manhole and dying", so lets get to comedy as quickly as possible!)
Would you just hurry up and shit already? I didn't take you outside just to sniff every goddamned tree in the neighborhood.
Offered by: Thomas on April 15, 2004 3:19 PM(Not sensitive at all - simply correcting an erroneous arseumption that "arse" is somehow an affectation. To say it's an effort to sound "clever" or "European", or "pretentious" is nothing more than ignorance of regional differences. A friend of mine - an elementary school teacher - once had a student rush up to tell on another kid for using "the "r" word". So, I hope you'll spend just a wee bit less time being "irked" and a little bit more time coming up with clever responses to the fabulous Jodi's challenge. I've become bored with you.)
If you hold the balls in your mouth like that, they get all slobbery and gross to handle.
(A wee bit sensitive, are we? I've been called an arsehole before, but I find it arsenine to arseume that some arse is trying to arsearseinate your character. You know, paeople in glarse houses shouldn't throwe stonnes.)
I'll be home tomorrow from my date. If you get thirsy, just drink from the toilet.
Offered by: Thomas on April 15, 2004 8:39 AM(So sorry to have irked someone with a word that is very commonly used in the part of North America from which I come. Where I live, saying "Kiss me arse, Thomas" is considered a perfectly acceptable and benignly vulgar response to an arrogant lecture.)
"Great! Babies! We can keep the best and sell the rest for $1500 apiece!"
Offered by: Nils Ling on April 14, 2004 2:23 PM(Before I offer today's suggestion, I must say something that has been irking me: The word "arse" does NOT make anyone sound more clever or European [Heh, heh; "you're a peein'"], instead it sounds pretentious and wrong. Have some bawls and friggin' say the gosh-darn-dilliosis word! Cripes!)
Sorry girl, you have to wear the plastic cone so you don't lick it anymore.
Offered by: Thomas on April 14, 2004 7:56 AMMust you sniff the arse of any bitch that happens by?
Offered by: Nils Ling on April 13, 2004 1:48 PMNo, this is MY food; Go eat the dog food and quit whining.
Offered by: Thomas on April 13, 2004 12:14 PMI can't believe you've lived to be this old and I haven't had to put you to sleep yet.
Offered by: Scott on April 13, 2004 11:33 AMGet your tongue out of my girlfriend's pussy!
Offered by: Thomas on April 13, 2004 7:59 AMIt tickles when you lick me that way.
Offered by: Da Goddess on April 13, 2004 2:45 AMOur living room carpet is *not* your toilet paper, so stop that!
Offered by: Scott on April 13, 2004 12:41 AMYeah, you like it when you're sleeping and I rub you. Don't you? Don't you? Yes, you do ...
Offered by: Nils Ling on April 12, 2004 10:45 PM"I'm going to bed now ... with your best friend!"
Offered by: Lolly on April 12, 2004 10:18 PMIt's time, doctor. Give her the shot. Goodbye, old friend.
Offered by: J.W.Y. Latt on April 12, 2004 6:50 PM"I love you."
Offered by: Jeffrey on April 12, 2004 6:12 PM"Isn't that cute?", you don't say that when you find your wife humping the mailman's leg...
Offered by: sally on April 12, 2004 4:24 PMRed rocket, red rocket, red rocket, red rocket...
Offered by: Thomas on April 12, 2004 4:14 PMWanna go chase some pussy?
Offered by: Nils Ling on April 12, 2004 3:41 PMStop licking your balls in front of company.
Offered by: bob on April 12, 2004 3:40 PM"We need to liven up our sex life."
Offered by: tim on April 12, 2004 3:17 PMAnd also:
Don't do that or I'll smack you with the newspaper again!
Offered by: Kim Wells on April 12, 2004 1:54 PMWould you get off the couch dammit?! You're getting hair all over it!
Offered by: Kim Wells on April 12, 2004 1:53 PM£10 says that it was Colonel Sanders in the mausoleum with the snarling pigeon.
Offered by: Pete on April 12, 2004 1:15 PMI've mortgaged the house and depleted our child's college fund to satisfy the demands of my heartless but beautiful mistress, that so-called convention in Vegas may well result in bigamy charges, and these sores have proved stubbornly resistant to penicillin.
I'm so glad at least you're on my side, big fella.
Offered by: J.W.Y. Latt on April 12, 2004 11:40 AMHave I got a Scooby Snack for you . . .
Offered by: scary mama on April 12, 2004 11:39 AM"If you shit on my floor one more time...!"
Offered by: Julie on April 12, 2004 11:11 AMYour breath smells like ass.
Offered by: R3n33 on April 12, 2004 11:05 AMC'mere and lick the peanut butter off daddy's cock.
(or)
Stop eating cat turds out of the litter box!
Offered by: Thomas on April 12, 2004 7:47 AMQuit humping the mailman's leg, you horny bitch!
Don't make me hit you with this newspaper.
Offered by: Da Goddess on April 12, 2004 4:41 AMYour mom was a real bitch.
Offered by: G-Fry on April 12, 2004 2:12 AMSit, lay down, roll over.
Offered by: Deb on April 12, 2004 12:32 AMFetch.
Offered by: Lee on April 11, 2004 11:13 PM"Get your head out of my crotch!"
Offered by: Lolly on April 11, 2004 10:23 PM
