Say, "At least I'm not as fat as your mom."

Burn.

You say, "and all that".

You are so right!!

When people call me fat, I say nothing, but I perform the following actions - in order;

a) Grab their shoulders and stare at them intently for twelve seconds, providing the temporary hypnosis required for me to properly execute actions b and c.

b) From my backpack, I remove four items - a jar of dijon mustard, a seventeen foot length of rope, a pair of shears and a kalamata olive.

c) I take the rope, bind their hands taught with one end, then slide-tackle them and tie their ankles (so that there's a little give, but not enough to stand up) with the other end. Whatever slack is leftover in between, I make into a pretty bow.

d) (Hopefully by now they've come-to) Using my shears, I cut out varying lengths of fabric from whatever clothes are worn by the accuser.

e) I disrobe.

f) I take the varying lengths of fabric and shape them to form the word "Diet" on the floor/ground next to the accuser.

g) I put three fingers into the jar of mustard, and take out a healthy dollop. I then smear it into the hair of the accuser, taking great care to inhale deeply and purposefully when my motions draw me near enough.

h) I remove the letter "t" from "Diet" (which usually scares the shit out of the accuser) and laugh maniacally

i) I put the "t" back. I was only foolin'.

j) I eat the olive in three bites. No more, no less.

k) I call the fire department from their cellular telephone and report an incident of unlicensed animal husbandry. They will get in trouble for reporting such trivial matters to the fire department, and will learn their lesson.

I used to say "You really ought to try saying the SECOND thing you think." Or call the person a sodding bitch and be done with it.

Oh, and I found your site courtesy of Christian Finnegan, not Googling for midget/donkey porn made by Swedish farmhands. I have friends that would like that kind of thing though. They're also communists!

I'm fat? Really? I thought I was skinny, silly me. Without your help, I may never have noticed! ....*cough*fucker.

I actually am overweight, and this is how I respond to many people, but since I am both large AND tall, I get left alone, for fear of squashage.

Oh,and this is my first comment! Please, allow me to gush for a minute. Jodi! You're so funny! I've been trudging my way through your prodigious archives, simultaneously wanting your wit and wisdom to go on forever, and for your old crap to hurry up and end so I can catch up with the new stuff.

Okay, gushing over. Hmm...I thought I had some point somewhere... Maybe it'll come to me.

Guess it's time to eat another tape worm.

A wet bird never flies at night.

"YEAH, well ... your ... stupid ... BUTT ... looks like your FACE!"

Or, you can never go wrong with "I know you are but what am I?"

Boo-yah.

Still? I lost 200 lbs already...

"What's the frequency, Kenneth!?!?", then attack him like a deranged man attacking Rather.

(The attack on the venerable CBS newsie was what the song by REM was based on.)

Well, since I've been in this situation before when I'd put on weight a couple of years ago, I'll go with the saying I used that is similar to Mark's - "Well at least I can lose weight. You can't lose ugly, sorry for you."

"Oh yeah??!!"

Poor Mary-Kate. Has it really come to this? Trolling for snappy rejoinders on search engines? You're better than this, girl! Now go star in a hideous movie with your sister and make us proud. And eat a damn sandwich!

I'd be flustered, and wouldn't be able to think of anything clever to say besides, "Really? I hadn't noticed in the past 15 years! Thank you VERY MUCH for alerting me to that STARTLING REVELATION! Perhaps you should enter a conservatory where you could become famous for your mastery of the COMPLETELY OBVIOUS! I have a real doozy for you; Your (wife/husband/partner/family member/pet) must be a real piece of shit, because that's the only thing I can think of that would cling to an asshole like you!"

I would just blink once, real slow, and say nothing. I'd reach out, grab the person's arm, and take a big bite out of it like a drumstick. Then I'd say, "Yep!"

I would say that I can lose the weight, but you're butt-ugly and that's forever!!!!!

I would not say anything! I would just turn the other (fat) cheek. I would not give them the satisfaction! After they went away, I would turn around and you would see a lone tear streaming down my cheek like that Indian from the old anti-pollution commercials in the 1970's.