WTF? I suppose it was only a matter of time that the Jews' longstanding tight association with Chinese food would infiltrate the fortune cookies themselves. How else to explain this guilt-inflicting message I recently received and my resultant instant paranoia (because I just don't know what it is that I supposedly did)?
My husband has long wanted to produce a line of Misfortune Cookies. I told him it would be bad karma. I'll have to punish him tonight for putting that idea out there in the universe and having it impact dear Jodi. Sorry!
Offered by: Linda on August 21, 2007 10:38 AMOh don't pretend you don't know. Even my Baptist mother is throwing me grief for your sins. Guilt for everyone.
Offered by: Jay on August 21, 2007 8:51 AMWell gee, the only thing you did was apply the acne cream you bought from Zack and Screech after you saw how well it worked on Charlie "Crater Face" Coburn...
Jodi, Jodi, Jodi: Don't you know you'll ALWAYS be our prom queen... Just as long as you continue to kneel behind the gym after school and let us clinically and methodically use your pretty, pretty mouth as our own personal gratification station. I even wont let on that I saw you grind down on the heel of your foot to provide the extra stimulation you needed for your own hedonistic release.
Offered by: Thomas on August 20, 2007 10:37 AM*Instructions for the dispersing the negative fortune found within a guilt-infested fortune cookie*
1. Remove your hand from within the taughtly stretched denim of your 'problem's' pants.
2. Move the zipper (or rebutton the buttons in ascending order if you are unfortunate enough to be with a 'problem' stuck in the acid-washed, big-hair glory days of his misspent youth) in an upwards fashion.
3. With seconds and after some high-pitched whining*, you should find that your 'problem' has gone back to normal size and you can get on with your day in an unrestricted fashion.
* High-pitched whining may be of varying lengths and intensities depend on size of initial 'problem.' To reduce duration, mention that there is a live sports program currently being broadcast on one of the myriad of cable channels dedicated to said sports programming.
From: The Red China Guide to Taking Over The World: How Guilt Improves Your Fortunes, 4th Edition, copyright 1966, Simon and Schuster Press. All rights reserved. May not be used in whole or in part without prior written authorization of the Communist Party. Fortune Cookie is a registered trademark.
I thought I KNEW you Jodi! I'm ashamed, and I don't even know what you did yet.
Offered by: Cody Clarke on August 19, 2007 12:41 AMI think they were just trying to tell you that there was anti-freeze in the spring rolls you just ate.
Offered by: tim on August 17, 2007 8:19 PM
