I have come to the realization, after countless disappointing experiences, that cake just doesn't do it for me. Every time I eat cake, thinking I will "treat" myself because hey, I work out so so hard and I "deserve" the thrills that a piece of cake is supposed to provide, I am left frowning out into space, thinking, 96% of the time aloud, "That was so not worth it."
I don't care where the cake is from, who made it, how much or what kind of chocolate was involved in its creation, or how many giggly tarts come popping out of it with strategically placed frosting and a cherry on top, it never lives up to my expectations. While it is true that I have very high standards and thus expect a lot from everything that has even the most marginal impact on my life, I don't think it's asking too much for cake to at least make me happy I ate it.
Years ago I went to a wedding where the cake, I was told, ad nauseam, was going to be the highlight of the whole affair. After enduring the most excruciating vows ever written — painful not only because they were riddled with more cliches than a valedictory speech but also because the bride and groom thought it would be fabulous if they both used the same interminable vows, thus forcing an already squirming congregation to listen to the tripe twice — I thought, well, it won't take much to top this. But as it turned out, the cake, the most expensive part of the wedding, I was told, given that it was created by a very famous cake guy out of white and dark chocolate of the finest quality to be found on the planet, was about as inspired as a Ring Ding chilled in my refrigerator overnight.
If you can tell me where to find cake that will make me not want to dismiss it a la Marie Antoinette, please let me know. But please also know that if it, too, fails to persuade me that cake is not a total waste of time, I will wish her fate upon you.
So, in sum, to bastardize my own quote, found in the sidebar, "Feh. Cake-cake."
I will offer an alternative (I know: I'm not following instructions): Pequea Valley yogurt (made with milk from grass-fed cows, oh joy). That's right, yogurt. The chocolate, in particular, which I would scramble over ice cream for, possibly resulting in a mess on my jeans.
Offered by: Jenn on May 7, 2008 2:33 PMDiabetics everywhere have their insulin needles poised to stab you in the eye, Jodi.
Offered by: Brad on May 7, 2008 12:58 PMChocolate chip cake from Hesh's Bakery! Even better when you put a slice in the microwave for a few seconds so the chocolate chips start to melt! Oy Vey! Ask any Jew in Northeast Philadelphia......
Offered by: Mrs. Z on May 7, 2008 12:52 PMJodi, I fully support you in your choice not to enjoy cake.
May I have your piece, then?
Offered by: Jeffrey on May 7, 2008 11:58 AMCake is merely a tableau for frosting, buttercream cheesecake please.
Buy a good cookie, a REAL good cookie and scoop at the frosting lightly.
Frosting scooped on a cookie > cake. It's in the Bible.
Offered by: Thomas on May 7, 2008 9:13 AMPlace: Cincinnati, Ohio
Time: Anytime, although the sooner the better
Dessert: Beefcake, upside down beefcake, beefcake ala mode.
And since you're a vegetarian, you don't have to swallow.
Oh, Jodi Jodi Jodi. How do I love you so much if you don't like cake? (Though, honestly, at a wedding with vows like that, it doesn't sound like they understand good cake.)
Do you like key lime pie? There's a bakery in Philadelphia... ;)
Offered by: Will You Be My Facef*ck Friend? on May 6, 2008 8:45 PMDarling, I agree. Cake is always disappointing (give me a slightly undercooked, gooey cookie anytime.)
However, I will also say that free cake (however ordinary) is the ONLY reason to ever go to a wedding. (And it usually beats the hell out of the free fettucine and/or finger sandwiches those wedding people serve).
And all that said, I make the best red velvet cake I've ever had in my life. Just saying.
Offered by: Scott on May 6, 2008 7:57 PMMy brother, who has "fudge packer" listed as his occupation on MySpace because, well, he really DOES pack fudge, makes the very BESTEST cake in the entire UNIVERSE!!! omg...seriously. I wish I could ship you some of his cake.
I almost started to obnoxiously list all of his different cakes as if just reading the words would somehow cause the flavor to seep out of your tongue pores, but realized that the very best your imagination could muster would only be a cheap imitation.
Guess there's only one way for you to find out, Jodilove.
Offered by: jamied on May 6, 2008 7:55 PM
