While you're at it, please advise people to stop saying, "really?"

Jodi: "I'm going to vote for McCain."
Karen: "That's ridiculous."
Jodi: "No, I think he's the best man for the job."
Karen: "Really, Jodie? Really?"

I am a little worried. Can the Oprah police find me and hurt me for speaking out? I meant to say, "I love Oprah and I buy everything on her "Favorite Things "list every single year."

I hate it when she calls the audience "People." I also hate it when she speaks. Or makes noises.

"You may have expected that enlightenment would come ZAP! instantaneous and permanent. This is unlikely. After the first "ah ha" experience, it can be thought of as the thinning of a layer of clouds." ~ Ram Dass

The above is Tuesday, May 13th's quote in my Wisdom of the East page-a-day desk calendar. No lie.

I lost my virginity while listening to a Norwegian band as they sang their hit, "Take on me."

Now that was an 'Ah-ha' moment.

True story. At the end of last week, I attended a conference of sorts, at which one of the speakers used this term no less a dozen times in an hour and a half. It saddened me and left me feeling as though I were thoroughly unable to prance. I tried to prance about after the presentation and utter a cheerful if somewhat deranged "Meow" and was instead only able to stagger into a chair and and let loose a quiet wail of psyche-crushing angst. I then retreated to my hotel room, turned off the lights save for the malignant glow of the television's Menu screen, and ate/drank all the items in the mini bar in alphabetical order. I wanted to skip right to the mini-tin of Pringles, which I admire for their uniformity, but I maintain a certain level of discipline even in these dark times.

Oh, Mrs. Z, I wish I had all the time in the world to complain about other people complaining! Mahjong season is almost open again at your swim club, so pretty soon you'll have a real outlet in which to vent your misplaced frustrations! Either that, or go bake an apple cake for Mr. Z and your 52 children. Oy!

I wish I had all the time in the world that you have to be annoyed by every freaking thing that every freaking person says or does! If I were anywhere near you right now I'd be strangling you (even though I would risk annoying you!).

It's not just on Oprah. It's everyfuckingwhere.

Call me old fashioned, but instead of saying something like "Aha! Moment", I react to new realizations with fear and violence.

My apologies to the people at the Apple store for last week's "incident".

I have neither heard it nor used it. Maybe I don't watch enough (or any) Oprah.