I know that if I don't tell you to have a safe "Fourth", you're all going to run amok across a backyard or a beach somewhere with one of those sparkler things and let it burn down close enough to your hand so that you can almost smell the flesh cooking. Or you're going to do something zany with lighter fluid, propane, or those tons of matchbooks you've amassed in your kitchen's "junk drawer". So, because I care about you all as if you were my own children, I thought I should be the mature one here and provide you with a few statistics that may dissuade you from doing something really fucking stupid.
Did you know that, last year on The Fourth, across the U.S. of A., the following happened?
- There were 457,920 backyard barbecues; 72% resulted in at least one accidental burn and 40% of those burn victims also suffered from salmonella.
- Of that 40%, 95% said the food "tasted really bad" but they "didn't want to say anything" because it was free and all they had to do was bring paper plates, plastic cups, or a big bag of chips.
- There were 18,252 private fireworks displays, and 3,105 children rushed to the emergency room with at least superficial burns; 60% of those children required skin grafts from parts of their bodies that they said they would never have wanted exposed to the public.
- Of those 60%, more than half said they still thought fireworks were "really really neat!!!" and they couldn't wait for next year when Daddy let them set off even more.
- Those 18,252 private displays also resulted in 11,526 women burning themselves on purpose just so they could use their "fat asses" (their words -- don't get upset with me) for skin grafts. Only 738 men burned themselves on purpose, but said they did so "to impress some chick with a great ass".
- Of the 168,003 guests invited to others' homes for barbecues, 33% said they could have definitely grilled a better burger.
- More than 3,111,998 sparklers were handed out to children under the age of 13; more than half of those sparklers wound up in body cavities that really don't respond well to fire.
I've found a load of other statistics as well. Way too many to mention. But I see that it's getting pretty close to the end of the work day (at least for those of you on this coast), and I wanted to make sure you didn't leave without some warning. These statistics are the ones that struck me as the most important, so I'm passing them along to you.
I don't have any personal safety tips to dispense, because I happen to hate the Fourth of July. My big plans -- staying inside and doing nothing -- don't tend to include that much risk. But please, if you do partake of the festivities, I beg you to be careful. Your lives are oh so precious, and I don't want my readership to decline because you did something really funny with a firecracker or something.
fresh-baked at 04:26 PMYes...and then there was this a$$hole! (it's not pleasant)
Hope everyone else has a safe and sound holiday!
Offered by: cmiper on July 3, 2002 04:48 PMI'm not sure what's scarier ... the statistics or the fact that you spent all that time rounding them up!
Just kidding. You're sweet. At least Shawn and I won't be victims of a self-inflicted firecracker wound tomorrow. My anti-social self is staying home, drinking wine and snuggling with the puppies.
Offered by: Kelly on July 3, 2002 05:01 PMSee. See why I'm antisocial? Things like what cmiper just posted here make me want to just not be a part of anything anymore. Not cmiper, but the fact that someone would do such a cruel thing to another living being. I've fucking had it...
Offered by: Tess on July 3, 2002 06:06 PMJust don't do anything that requires you to precede it by saying "Hey Guys! Watch this!"
(In fact this is one of the basic tenets of my life.)
Offered by: Don on July 3, 2002 09:31 PMSo, let me get this straight. That plan I had to stand in my yard lobbing M80s into my neighbors pool... don't do it?
Offered by: Kim on July 4, 2002 11:16 AMKel, didn't I mention that I'd purchased the "Backyard Barn-Burner Special", a gallon of lighter fluid and a torch at Clyde's Combustibles? I'll be setting it off and 5 until midnight.
Offered by: Shawn on July 4, 2002 02:37 PMKim:
Well, especially don't do it if you're planning to put the M80 into a cat's mouth and then heave the cat into the pool.
When I was a kid one of my neighborhood hoods took a large (but not M80-sized) firecracker and inserted it into the space left when he coaxed a tortoise to retract its head into its shell. As the gathering throng shouted pro and con he lit the fuse. The result was not pretty and only partially vacated the shell. Most of us stayed well clear of him for a long time.
