This is dedicated to Kelly.
In all my years of being a girl, I've never been able to understand just what the hell others of my gender are doing in the ladies room for so long. I'm not talking about the primping and the preening and all that other girly girl garbage, but about what goes on in the actual stalls.
What's going ON in there? Why does it take so long to use the facilities? What the hell are are you DOING in that little enclosure that is almost as claustrophobia-inspiring as a coffin (except without the pretty velvet)? Just pull down your pants, squat/hover/plunk your ass down, do what you have to do, get the hell up, zip/button/lace up your pants, and get out. Leave the stall. Don't dawdle. Just get OUT.
The entire operation should not take longer than one minute. Tops. (This, of course, does not include those special, tender moments that come around once a month and stick around for a few days; for those special occasions, an extra 30 seconds or so is acceptable.)
I don't know how many times I've had to stand in some godfuckingawful line for more minutes than I have fingers and toes, all because someone is undertaking something so complicated that it requires more than a minute to accomplish it. How many times have I flown out of a restroom in a fury, after having spent 20 minutes there, only 5% of which was devoted to the actual activity for which I was waiting, and spit out venomously to the "DOG", through gritted teeth that could spur TMJ, "What the FUCK takes these bitches so goddamned LONG? What are they DOING in there -- massaging their goddamned TWATS?"
I was once in a line during the intermission of a friend's performance, waiting to use a restroom that contained only one stall. The line was probably about ten deep, and I was "at bat" next. I was all excited. At last my time had come. I was prepared: I'd unzipped my pants and hidden the unzippity-do-dah behind my bag. Ready to go go go! The only problem was that some girl was in there hogging the room for at least five minutes.
I turned to the guy behind me, a deliciously freaky fop, and said, "You know ... when it's my turn in there, I'm going to go so fast that you are going to swear I have a dick!" He and several others behind him guffawed, and he said, "Oh, I know what you mean! Pee, check the hair, and just leave!"
When my turn finally arrived, I bolted into the room, did what I had to do (even including a little flip of the hair), and left.
"Forty-five seconds!" the fop said, applauding.
(That would've been the only time I would have accepted someone saying, "You GO, girl!")
Is this just further proof that I am, indeed, a man?
Oh, and while I'm at it, I just have to touch on two more things that piss me off about restroom behavior:
- Do not, under any circumstances, talk to me while you are "going". Do not engage me in conversation while I am. The general rule is this, and I'm going to use the direct quote that I used to educate my friend Jennifer when she violated this rule: "If your twat is out, shut the fuck up."
- Do not ask me if I have a feminine hygiene product. More specifically, do not ask if you can borrow a tampon. If I have one in my bag it's because, well, I'm gonna need it that day, so there's no way I'm going to give it to you. Further, if you ask me if you can "borrow" a tampon, I certainly don't want you to give it back.
It's aaalll about lookin' out for #1.
*can only rise to his feet and applaud* I'm simply... speechless.
Offered by: Shawn on July 22, 2002 03:10 PMI'm happy you brought up the 'borrow' thing. I once made the mistake by asking someone if I could borrow their wite-out, and they got all over me for it.
Offered by: Anita on July 22, 2002 03:20 PMAnd please, for God sake, do NOT use your cell phone while you are peeing!!!!
Offered by: zuly on July 22, 2002 03:31 PMThe mens room zone of silence is a well cherished tradition. Violators are subjected to social ostricization and swirlies.
Back in college, I was at the computer lab at 2am. The cleaning lady came in, and while I was mid-crap, she decided it was a good idea to strike up a conversation. She stuck around for the "paperwork" and even during the hand washing. I was quite mortified. Later, an acquaintance of mine mention he had a similar situation with the same cleaning lady, but having no scruples, he decided to see how "far" he could get with this friendly lady. It turns out, it was exactly what this 50-something woman was looking for. I still get queasy thinking about the whole thing...
Offered by: Thomas on July 22, 2002 03:35 PMYet again, you've hit the nail on the head!
I remember being at work, on the loo (can you hear my English accent from here?) when this guy came in to the Men's washroom, talking. He continued talking as he sat down for a crap.
I'd assumed that he was talking to someone else who'd entered the bathroom at the same time, but I eventually realised, he was having a business phone call, whilst unzipping, sitting, straining and launching the SS Turd.
God knows what the person on the other end thought of, "Yeah, well, I'll have to get back to you on (nnnnnnngh).... that (splosh)".
Offered by: Max on July 22, 2002 06:36 PMI never understood why it took girls so long in the bathroom either. I AM a girl, and its irritating to me, just like you. Its like..who would want to hang around in the small stall for more than what they need to do. Get in and get out. No use in staying around..what..so you can read the toilet paper?
About the cell phones. I had that experience once. I and another lady were the only ones in the bathroom. Her cell phone rang, and she picked it up and started talking. Thats bad! When Im on the cell phone, in public, I try to talk quietly and discreetly. This lady was not only talking loud, but about some things I would never disclose in public. Some people are just odd:)
Offered by: Amanda on July 22, 2002 10:04 PMThat was beautiful, Jodi. I have less than no idea what the hell these women are doing in there. I have discovered one thing: If you're in a bar and there's a ridiculously long line, it's most likely because some fucking ditz had a few too many and is passed out face-down on the toilet seat being comforted by twelve to fifteen of her friends. This can go on for as long as half an hour, so if you ever find yourself in this situation, here's a little piece of advice that my grandmother passed down to me ... "Bubeleh, nobody gives a shit if you use the men's room."
Offered by: Jess on July 22, 2002 10:13 PMI frequently get commented on my speed-toileting. What do people DO in there? No wait, don't tell me.
Offered by: maddy on July 22, 2002 10:21 PMOh, I do use the men's room, any time I can get away with it. But only if it's a one-room setup. I don't want no guy checkin' out my dick or nothin'.
Offered by: Jodi on July 22, 2002 10:26 PMWhatever they're doing in there, it's messy, because girls are pigs. Women's rooms are almost always more disgusting than men's rooms. I won't even go into detail, but I've seen red, yellow, or brown spread in places I can't even imagine the positions necessary to get to.
Offered by: Kim on July 22, 2002 10:33 PMCan I borrow a square? What?! You can't spare a square? What about a ply? ...Sorry, that stupid Seinfeld epsiode is now crawling through my brain. I can't stand slow-shitters. Or whatever they're doing in there. I've seen them coming out of stalls in wallyworld with paperback NOVELS! Like they were there for the long haul.
Offered by: francesca on July 22, 2002 11:30 PMTalking of using the Men's room, my best friend from childhood onwards (a woman), often used to use the Gents (as we call it in England) in nightclubs, when there was a queue (line) out of the Ladies, and almost back to the dancefloor.
In the particular club I'm thinking of, the Gents consisted of a row of cubicles with doors on one side, and a 'trough' style urinal on the other.
The trough was always 'shoulder-to-shoulder' busy, and Jo used to walk right past all those guys without out a care in the world, and use one of the cubicles. In all those years, she hardly got any comments from the men, most of whom were fairly drunk, except for the occasional hello.
She got more comments from the (dumb) women, in the queue for the Ladies, who'd seen her sail by, do the bizz, and come back out, whilst they'd not moved.
The general gist of the comments were, "I wish I'd thought of that.". And on occassion, this then started a mass of females invading the Gents!
Offered by: Max on July 23, 2002 04:37 AMdamn. I have new found love and adoration for you, now...
Offered by: LA on July 23, 2002 03:57 PMI haven't read anything this true and accurate since Bush took (literally) office! Sometimes i feel like these women must have been raised with a "clean plate club" approach to excretion.
I had a lovely experience this spring, however, at the Boston Beer Summit-- a line of 30+ men the whole afternoon, all cautiously eyeing the quick turn around in the women's room.
Offered by: Megan on July 23, 2002 06:37 PM
