Against my better judgment, I just watched "American Idol". I had never seen it before, didn't intend to, but finally curiosity got the best of me, and I found myself witnessing this thing.
I wasn't expecting it to be as bad as it was. Even though a friend had warned me, moments before turning it on, that it was not going to be the "good" kind of bad that I like, I still forged ahead.
I want my hour back.
The judges. My god, what can I say that probably hasn't already been said. Some oversized bald black guy named R.J. who was trying a little too hard to appear easy-going. Paula Abdul, looking like the long-lost quadruplet of Michael, Janet, and LaToya. And Simon. What the HELL. All I can say is that Simon must have the smallest penis this size of my pinkie. How anyone can actually take what Simon says seriously is beyond me. He of the overblown jaw, squirrelish hair, and flabby triceps (as seen on "Live With Regis and Kelly" earlier this week).
And the so-called performers? Oh, I don't even know where to start. And because I don't want to relive the absolute horror, I will merely touch on each.
- Kelly: Leave the bobble-head action to the dogs that line the back windows of trashy cars. "Walk On By"? I suggest you do.
- R.J.: You seem like a really sweet kid. But haven't I heard your brand of warbling behind me on many a city street, the accompaniment to a song on a CD in someone's Walkman? And really — the theme from "Arthur"? Is that really the best that you can do?
- Tamyra: I don't think your performance of "A House Is Not A Home" warranted the standing ovation and teary eyes that Paula Abdul awarded it, but you were quite good. However, when Simon told you that your performance was one of the best things he has ever seen on TV — right up there with Whitney Houston and Celine Dion — please remember that he basically admitted to wanting to get into your pants on "Live With Regis and Kelly" earlier this week. Please don't let his flattery get him anywhere.
- Justin: I honestly don't know what all the fuss is about you. I don't get it. Unruly hair, a jaw that could double for the pants of SpongeBob, scrawny legs that can barely fill out your leather pants. Plus your attempt to seduce the audience with your direct stare into the camera left me more dry than high. I can't even remember what you sang. Next!
- Nikki: The karaoke competition was last night, on a cable channel, in the form of the horrid movie, "Duets". R.J. was right when he said that you reminded him of someone from "The Wedding Singer". And what were you thinking by not only choosing "Always Something There To Remind Me" but changing the line "How can I forget you girl" to "How can I forget you boy"? Oh my. Boy oh boy, in five minutes, I will have already forgotten you, girl.
I hate myself for watching this tripe, but of course I'll be tuning in tomorrow night for what I think is the finale. But there really is no contest. It's black and white. The winner will be Tamyra Gray.
And not just because Simon says.
fresh-baked at 10:23 PMhaaaabaabababababa. (I now like to laugh with Bs.) Fab! Jo and I put up AI reponses each night. She's put up the best of our commentary from tonight here. Hee.
Offered by: ButterGirl on August 13, 2002 11:12 PM"how could I forget you boy?" if I was her I woulda just gone "how could I forget you?" and just skip the gender issue.
Offered by: Anita on August 14, 2002 01:17 AMJodi, I'm surprised at you. Even I don't have enough self-hatred to watch that show, and I've forced myself to sit through two (TWO!) episodes of Sex & the City. Surely someone as self-assured as you wouldn't put herself through that kind of medieval brain torture. My world has collapsed ... I need to lie down ...
Offered by: Jess on August 14, 2002 01:29 AMAs someone who thoroughly enjoys ridiculing the idiots they put on TV, I kind of wish we had this show in NZ. Not that we don't have enough American (no offense, I know you can't help it) crap already...
Oh bring back Stars In Their Eyes so I can snicker at silly British folk!
Offered by: maddy on August 14, 2002 03:18 AMUs Brits have always been at the cutting edge of bad television. Have you guys ever heard of a program called Hollyoaks? Just thought I would warn you.
Offered by: Pete on August 14, 2002 03:48 AMI don't want to say I told you so, but...
Offered by: aaron on August 14, 2002 08:33 AMas a rule, i don't watch reality tv. i got over my obsession with it (if you can call it that) after the first season of the real world. i can't stomach the buffoons they pick to be on tv. they are the same brand of character that news crews get to interview after "the big flood" or "the twister"
Offered by: shannon on August 14, 2002 09:54 AMI like how the people they pick for the "Real World" are now so unbelievably NOT REAL. At least in the "old days" there were a few people who were in their 30's, or at least late 20's, and they weren't all physically attractive, or heavy drinkers.
The last few incarnations of this crap have been more like "The Real World - if the Real World was a Six-Month Long Frat Party at Abercrombie & Fitch College"
Offered by: aaron on August 14, 2002 10:47 AMThe most insidious part of AI is that one of these talentless screeching hacks will be ubiquitous on TV and radio for a year or so because of the recording contract the winner gets. At least the Survivor idiots pretty much melted back into obscurity with their cash, thankfully.
Offered by: tim on August 14, 2002 11:11 AMJustin: Ricky Martin called.. he'd like his outfit back.
Offered by: alie on August 14, 2002 12:54 PMYou...you watched the WHOLE thing? You don't get that time back, you know. I can only hope it was purely for research purposes.
By the way, I saw your application on the web.
Offered by: jamie c on August 14, 2002 01:24 PMdood.
American Idol is the BEST SHOW EVER!!!!!!!!!!!... right up there with Temptation Island and all the other shows that allow people to embarass themselves in front of a national audience.
I double heart it.
My favourite is how their little jaws quiver and eyes fill with photogenic-ish tears if anyone even dares to imply that they aren't as unique and wonderful and talented and spay-shul as they (and their mummies) have convinced themselves to be.
That and the dramatic trips to the hospital (um, I think it is three and counting)...and the crying and declarations of "true friendship."
It's a competition for fucks sake...not a group hug.
Oh, please don't take my sunshine away.
Offered by: de-LEE-ah on August 15, 2002 09:35 AMyou're all stupid, bitchy, and whiney. SHUT UP. Don't watch it if you don't fucking like it. Apparently you saw something in it if you watched it for an hour. You wouldn't know talent if it bit you in the ass.
Offered by: fucker on December 21, 2002 11:24 AMyou're all stupid, bitchy, and whiney. SHUT UP. Don't watch it if you don't fucking like it. Apparently you saw something in it if you watched it for an hour. You wouldn't know talent if it bit you in the ass.
Offered by: fucker on December 21, 2002 11:24 AMI like the last comment, some loser named 'fucker' who is apparently an expert in identifying talent whines when people don't like American Idol. Well FUCK american idol; shows like that illustrate the downfall of television. We've seen it slipping over the years and now it's collapsing at an uncontrollable rate.
Offered by: nobody on May 10, 2003 03:53 PM
