In another lifetime, or so it seems, I worked with a woman (I'll call her Meryl) who was one of these very well-maintained Main Line (Philadelphia) types. She had impeccable style, flawless makeup, and a certain panache that seemed to be lacking in most of the other people with whom we worked. It wasn't until she opened her mouth to speak that I realized that her élan only extended to her physical appearance.
It's not that she was nasty. It's not that she was particularly stupid. I mean, she wasn't a brain surgeon or anything (after all, we were working in a law office), but she wasn't the dimmest of wits. It's just that she was bland. Boring. I had thought that because we were the only Jewish chicks in the office, we would share some sort of bond, but I'm willing to bet that she put mayonnaise on her white-bread sandwiches and wouldn't know a knish if it plopped itself in her hand and said shalom.
But for some reason we "took" to each other anyway, despite an apparent lack of anything in common, so when the office birthday list (insert pained groan here) was circulated, I decided that when hers came around in January, I would acknowledge it. I would get her a card and leave it on her desk when she was away from it. The cards I give are usually blank inside, because I know I can write something better than what Hallmark or any other card company can, and also because I can't stand pre-packaged trite sentimentality, especially when it rhymes and is written in script.
Eventually January presented itself, and I presented Meryl with a card. I wrote something guaranteed to make her laugh. And it did. I don't remember if she buzzed me or came around to see me, but in any case she thanked me profusely and appeared genuinely touched that someone who had only known her for about a month would not only recognize her birthday but write something in the card that couldn't be written to anyone else or by anyone else.
I worked with Meryl for about three years, and each year would give her a card. Each year she expressed her surprise that I continued to remember her birthday and thanked me for remembering it and her. She wasn't putting it on, either. I can spot a phony immediately. Meryl was genuinely touched by my gesture.
When I left that office, I still sent her cards. As always, I took special care to select only the most elegant, unusual cards and to write something special tailored just for her. Within days, I would wind up seeing her on the street, usually during our lunch breaks, where she would wave to me and hurry over to thank me. "I can't believe you still remember," she would say. "It's so nice of you to do this every year!"
This went on for about seven years. Maybe more.
One year I sent Meryl a card, but didn't see or hear from her. I thought maybe something had happened, and started knocking wood, but eventually I did see her on the street about a month after her birthday had passed. I called to her across the street, and gestured for her to wait for me to cross.
"Happy belated birthday!" I greeted her. "I'm so glad you're all right. I thought maybe something had happened to you, so I'm thrilled to see you!"
She looked uncomfortable, as if she didn't know what to say. I began to feel a little awkward, standing there with a smile as frozen on my face as the ice on the sidewalk.
"Listen," she eventually said, somewhat icily. "About the birthday cards. Don't do it anymore."
I stood there, dumfounded. If I were the sort to let my jaw drop, it most certainly would have been stuck to the ice on the pavement. If I wore my heart on my sleeve, it would have cracked, shattered to the ground, and joined my jaw in disbelief.
"I don't need to be reminded every year about how old I'm getting," she continued, coldly. "It's nice that you remember, but I don't want to remember. So just stop it, all right?"
I pretended I understood. But I didn't.
I still don't.
I can't stand when people say they don't like their birthdays. Birthdays are the only "holiday" that I can tolerate. I cherish and embrace them because they celebrate the introduction of a new person into the world. And when I heartily wish someone a happy birthday, I mean it. I don't just say it like a generic Hallmark card. When I say "Happy birthday!" I'm essentially saying "I'm glad you're in the world."
To deny your birthday is to deny the process and progression of your life. Trick yourself as much as you want into believing that if you don't acknowledge the passing of another year, that year won't be added to those you've already collected, but hey — it's there.
Every year, I send birthday greetings to quite a few people, either by telephone, "snail mail", or email. Every message personalized. Every message heartfelt. But in the past few years, quite a few of my acknowledgments have gone unacknowledged. The first year I was ignored, I was willing to believe that some of those messages fell by the wayside due to the vagaries of the post office or email. I was even willing to accept that the messages I left on answering machines could have been erased or not passed along by another member of the recipients' families.
But what I'm unwilling to accept is that people can't accept the fact that another year (or two or three) has passed. And I'm unwilling to accept that my acknowledgment of their existence in this lifetime and in my life is unwelcome.
So to those people, I say this: Next year, when your mailbox is empty, your phone doesn't ring, and your email contains nothing but spam, don't wonder why. I will, of course, remember you, but I will not acknowledge you. If you can't accept the inevitability of time's passing, then I have no time for you.
(Any cake I eat that day will be purely incidental.)
fresh-baked at 09:03 AMWow, what a bizarre reaction from Meryl! I am amazed that anyone doesn't like being remembered, or knowing that people are glad they are here and their friends. You should just cut those ungrateful wretches off from the Jodiverse. Let them stay in the outer darkness where they belong! Not celebrating their birthdays won't keep 'em any younger!
Offered by: Suzy on August 14, 2002 09:50 AMWhat an ungracious cow! I assure you, that there are people in the world who would truly appreciate the gift. I don't think I'll ever reach the age where I will be grateful that my family never seems to remember my birthday. Harrumph.
Offered by: Yolanda on August 14, 2002 09:51 AMWhat a cow!
And people that go through that whole "I don't want to remember I'm getting older" bullshit? Please.
You should be thankful that you are alive to celebrate.
Let go and age gracefully...sheesh.
Offered by: de-LEE-ah on August 14, 2002 10:08 AM"Girl, don't be messin' with my Miracle Whip and Wonder Bread sand-witches, mm-kay!?! I eat them because I'm getting old and pasty and my birthdays are a constant reminder of that..."
I think if you see this woman again, she needs a colonic with birthday cake, lit candles, and maybe a sparkler or 10. What a &%#*&%@#**^%$.
Offered by: Jay on August 14, 2002 10:18 AMBut ... but ... but(t) ... Jay!
That's the way I celebrate MY birthdays. Meryl, and others of her ilk, don't deserve the special sassy fun!
Offered by: Jodi on August 14, 2002 10:28 AMI share a birthday with my (17 year) older sister. I definitely got the better end of that deal, and it gets better the older we get. I think she dreads my cards and e-mails every year by now.
Offered by: tim on August 14, 2002 10:58 AMMeryl...you really missed the boat sweetie! My birthday is coming up soon! Can I have Meryls stuff? I am sure even though I am not Jewish... I am still very wonderful to have as a friend... and give excellent cards as well...not to mention NEVER refusing gifts!!! The idea!
Offered by: miks on August 14, 2002 11:12 AMFinally, someone that feels the way I do about birthdays! Why doesn't this surprise me? :) I hate people that don't say something personal in ANY card, birthday, Christmas, etc. I will spend hours searching for just the perfect gift for someone; if I don't find one I'll just not give them anything, as opposed to a token. :)
I wonder if Meryl wasn't going through a rough spot and that's why the change in behavior? Or, maybe she thought you wanted to date her! Ha ha!
Offered by: Tess on August 14, 2002 11:57 AMI have to confess that I have never really been a big birthday person when it comes to myself. I always spend a lot of time on shopping for gifts for other people, and organising big parties, making sure everyone is there and that the food is good and so forth, but I've never liked being the one in the middle of it all that everyone is staring at.
And besides, the point of a birthday is to have a few drinks and have fun with those dearest to you. As far as I am concerned, why do we need the excuse? Why not do that just because it is Wednesday?
I don't wait 365 days until I can once again celebrate the fact that I have managed to avoid the guy with the scythe for this long. What the hell has the earth's rotation around the sun got to do with it? Ask me how old I am, and I may just say that I'm 8027 days old.
Much harder to keep track that way though. Mind you, night club bouncers would have to work for their money.
Offered by: Pete on August 14, 2002 12:14 PMI like your attitude. I'm always a little uncomfortable about any attention being paid to my birthday, only because I'm uncomfortable with being the centre of attention. But I love cards, and I don't mind the advancing years and I love making a fuss over others on their birthday. You're right. Birthdays are good :)
Offered by: Nancy on August 14, 2002 12:16 PMJodi, my b-day is November 9th, now you can get an early start on sending me e-cards. :P I'm over 30 but will not berate you for sending them to me.
Offered by: Lycia on August 14, 2002 12:21 PMThere are some joyless fuckers in this world, aren't there?
These are the same people who don't join the rest of the office for a drink after work, because it's their, "personal time". I've worked with people like this. They're all gits.
None of us (well very few, at least) like getting older, but y'know what? It's going to happen anyway, whether we celebrate it or not.
My personal view is, I like having a birthday, and make the most of that day. If I'm ageing anyway, I might as well make something good out of it, even if it's only an excuse to go out and get drunk!
Offered by: Max on August 14, 2002 12:25 PMWow, I can't believe she gave you that response. I would be thrilled if someone remembered my birthday every year, the way you did hers. Sadly, it seems that more and more people need to take the joy out of everything and focus on the negative in everything.
My goal in life is never to become like that.
well in my books she is a miserable bee-atch .... put me on your birthday card list - i'll be more than happy to recieve a card each and every yer, without fail until i turn 99
Offered by: mbm on August 14, 2002 12:56 PMThanks for this! I've always regarded my birthday with a bit of, "yeah, but what difference does it make?" But the older I get, the more I celebrate them in my own weird and special ways -- such as throwing a piece of cake out the window. I'm also lucky, it seems that getting older is also better when you still look younger than most young people. And as the devine Cher once said, "getting older sure beats the alternative."
Offered by: Great Scott on August 14, 2002 01:03 PMGood quote. I'll use that.
Offered by: Pete on August 14, 2002 01:19 PMShe should be extremely happy that anyone remembered her birthday. Three years have gone by now, where I have not gotten one card, one gift, one phone call, or been taken out. No one has remembered my birthday (I'm 22) and it sucks. It's really gotten to the point that I dread my birthdays, only because it seems no one cares that I'm here. I too am the type of person that searches endlessly for a gift, and a card for a special person. I never forget a friends birthday, but they seem to always forget mine. My parents are still alive, but they are far too busy, and this last birthday, June 2nd, not even my boyfriend remembered. It really is painfull to be that forgettable, so this "Meryl" really should have been very grateful that anyone, including a FORMER coworker remembered her birthday. Great gesture Jodi!
Offered by: Amanda on August 14, 2002 02:46 PMMax: I never joined my co-workers after work for a drink, because they didn't deserve my company, not because I was or am a git. Just like with birthday greetings, I don't do it out of obligation but out of a genuine interest in someone else's individual happiness. I can't stand obligatory gestures -- and joining people after work would have definitely been one.
Scott: I think Cher stole that quote from me, because I've been saying that for as long as I can remember. It's also my stock response when someone says, "Life sucks!"
Um well my birthday was just in July and I love to celebrate it in a big way. So I will be happy to relive it for you so you (and all of your friends) can send birhtday greetings and presents from my wishlist to me.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Offered by: Michelle on August 14, 2002 03:37 PMCould someone have poisoned her mind? You know how people can tell you that something someone did or said to you had a hurtful intent rather than a loving intent? And, if you tend to believe that person, you might just fall for that lie? I know it's far-fetched, but otherwise, what she did was just so bizarre. Could you stand to have a conversation with her and ask her what happened to change her feelings about the cards? I don't know if I could do it, but my curiousity might help me get past the aversion to speaking to someone who had treated me so badly.
Offered by: rainbow on August 14, 2002 04:55 PMSunshine: The moment this ingrate blew me off, she proved herself unworthy of my attention/affection on any level. I'm not curious about what happened with her or to her or why she acted the way she did. If, for some reason, she were to visit Manhattan and stop me for directions on the street, I'd direct her to straight to hell without the comfort of a handbasket.
Offered by: Jodi on August 14, 2002 05:12 PMMy birthday just passed last week with a minimum of fanfare. My family (or most of it, at least) and the friends that are important to me remembered, and sent cards and little tokens. To me an acknowledgment is like saying "Hey, I think enough of you to recognise the anniversary of you presence on this earth". Not that a lack of acknowledgment would ruin my day, but a little positive affirmation never hurt anyone, right?
The only thing that bugs me about birthdays are other people's expectations for presents. My famiily isn't wealthy, and we give, if anything material, a small thing that comes from the heart. This year my sister sent me a box filled with cookies and chocolates, a treat for this poor student. And my flatmate says "So, what else did you get?" Umm, a reminder that I'm loved?
Offered by: maddy on August 14, 2002 07:35 PMto give an example of the other side: my father, every year, without fail, from before i can remember to my last birthday (21st), told me he wished i was never born. that i should never have been born. i choose, not to *not* celebrate my birthday, but to celebrate it on a different day. some people's birthdays can just be painful reminders, and not really a cause for celebration at all.
and let us not forget the jehova's witnesses, who, because of their religion, don't celebrate ANY holidays. from birthday to christmas, nil.
just my 2 c.
Offered by: Shale Lerren on August 14, 2002 09:01 PMAll this just reminded me that today is the birthday of one of my oldest friends ... not that she's old per se - I mean that I've been friends with her longer than anyone else - 33 years. We don't speak often, and we don't exchange cards anymore. Maybe a few emails every year. A shame really.
Admittedly, I am HORRIBLE about sending cards. Don't know why ... I just am..
Well, Eileen... Wherever you are - Happy 36th Birthday.
Thanks, Jodi. It's nice to know some out there is taking up the slack for those of us who can't get out of our own way to send a simple thought. :)
Jodi, my comment about going drinking with one's colleagues, was more of a UK reference, by way of an example of people who are joyless.
When I talk about going out with people from work, I'm not talking about compulsory trips to the pub with everyone in the office. I'm talking about people who are already friends from working together, going out occasionally.
When I still lived in Britain, a bunch of folk in my team, used to go out, about once or twice a month, for drinks, followed by Indian food. There was one guy, who was a lovely guy and really good friends with everyone, who always made some excuse about not going. He earned more than most of us, and his wife was all for him going out with us, but he would always say that it was "personal time", and cry off.
Offered by: Max on August 15, 2002 01:20 AMI just found your site via a link at Hairy Toes & The Lemonade Rhino. This is some seriously good stuff here, and I'll be back. What a great way to look at birthdays, celebrating that person's entry into the world and saying you're glad they made it. I'm 35 and not sweating future anniversaries of my birth; they're inevitable and with each I can look back and see there was good in the preceding year. Stop on by my plot sometime - love to see ya there. :)
Offered by: Gardenwife on August 15, 2002 04:16 AMI love birthdays.
In fact, in honor of this post, I'm wearing my birthday suit right now.
Offered by: aaron on August 15, 2002 09:36 AMi have never understood people who hated their birthday. i for one love celebrating my very own 'shannon day'
i view people who say they don't want to celebrate their birthday and just can't stand the holidays as people who are crying for more attention. i say heap it on them. i'll be the first to apologize if they are actually sent to the mental ward due to a birthday meltdown.
You know what? Every year that you're alive is a reason to celebrate. I almost didn't make it this year and I was thankful that I did. My birthday sucked......but I was still grateful that I could form those words and pout about it.
Offered by: Joan on August 15, 2002 07:15 PMHear, hear! Or, rather, read, read! I came to this entry because of the reference you made to it today; it is from before I started reading your blog – yet another indication that I'm going to have to read your archives thoroughly.
Alas, I too know people like Meryl. In my opinion they should have the courtesy to realize that birthday well-wishers are actually saying "I'm glad you're in the world", as you so aptly put, and give thanks for the good wishes even if they are paralyzed with fear of their approaching death. But such is the emphasis on youth and the denial of death in this society that they are unable to do so.
I have added "Perusing Jodi's archives" to my long list of pending tasks, but of course in the "Pleasant" column (yes, I do have a column for pending unpleasant tasks, but I rarely if ever look at it... :-) ).
