Oh, Banana Republic, you sly little devil you. Don't think for one minute that you fooled me with that fresh pretty black plastic card you sent in the mail inviting me to save $5.00 off my next purchase (through August 20, 2002). Don't think for one minute that I was going to buy something I don't really want, probably for $68.00, just to save $5.00.

You didn't really think I was going to fall for that tired old trick, Mr. Republic, did you? Oh, you silly retail giant! You and your ploys!

So ... what was I doing this afternoon inside your fine establishment on Fifth Avenue a few blocks from my apartment? I was doing quality control! That's all. I swear.

(And also noticing, quite peripherally, that there was absolutely nothing there that I had to have.)

(But your cottons ... they're so substantial. And that one sleeveless turtleneck sweater on the round table by the door ... $29.99 marked down from $48.00? Cute!)

I am cutting up the card as we speak. I won't play your games!