Wow... that's a lot of training. Take care of yourself, and watch all the ABC soaps!

Hmmm. A joke.

What vegetable to you get when an elephant walks through the garden?

Squash!

Where do bee's go to the restroom?

The BP station!

I'll send you some more later. But really, take care of yourself.

Ahem...

"Fowlest Jokes Of The Month"
Q: Why did the chicken run across the road?
A: There was a car coming.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road halfway?
A: She wanted to lay it on the line.
Q: Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
A: She wanted to stretch her legs.
Q: Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?
A: She was afraid someone would caesar!
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To prove to the possum it could actually be done!

From whydidthechickencrosstheroad.com. Who would have thunk there would be a whole website just for that? Some people have way too much time on their hands. Oh... Wait... :)

Hope you feel better.

-The newly crowned SnooZilla

The first Jewish President calls his mother in Queens and invites her for Chanukah.

"I'd like to," she says, "but it's so much trouble...First, I have to get a cab to the airport, and I hate waiting on Queens Boulevard...."

"Mom! I'm President of the United States! I'll send Air Force One!"

"Yes, but when we land I'll still have to carry my luggage through the airport... An try to find a cab...And you know what holiday crowds are like..."

"Mom! I'll have a helicopter pick you up! You'll go straight from the plane to my front lawn!"

"I don't know... I'd still need a hotel room. And hotels are so expensive..and they're not like they used to be..."

"Ma! You'll stay at the White House!"

"Well..." She thinks. "I guess. O.K. " she sighs, " I'll come...for you."

That afternoon, she's talking on the phone with one of her friends. "What's new?" The friend asks.

"I'm visiting my son for Chanukah."

"The doctor?"

"No...the other one."

A Doctor, an Irishman, and the Pope walk in to a bar.

The bartender says "What is this, a joke?"

Thank you, thank you. I'm here all week.

This guy goes into a posh eatery, when the waiter informs him that he has to have a jacket and tie to dine there.

The guy, a bit agitated, goes to his car and gets his jacket, but he can't find a tie anywhere. In desperation, he grabs the jumper cables and, after a few awkwards attempts, ties a perfect windsor knot.

The waiter looks him up and down, then reluctantly agrees to let him in. As the man moves forward, the waiter cautions him; "Now don't go starting anything, OK?"

This dog goes into an old west saloon, his left foot all bandaged up.

As he shuffles unto the bar, the patrons notice he's ready to draw his six-shooters.

With a steely gaze, he looks at the crowd and says, "I'm looking for the low down varmint that shot my paw!"

This urban couple is having problems conceiving. After a full battery of tests by her OBGYN, LaTonya tells her husband that she checks out fine, and that he should go to the doctor himself.

Leroy makes an appointment, and as luck would have it, they are able to see him that very afternoon. Leroy doesn't come home that night, or the next, or the next. Finally, he pulls up in front of their apartment building in a brand new Cadillac. He emerges from the plush ride wearing a full length fox coat, a wide brimmed hat (with a peacock feather in the band) carrying a gold cane with an 8-ball handle. As he struts up the stairs, his wife asks exasperatedly, "Where's you been?!?"

Leroy smiles, revealing new gold teeth with diamonds set therein. "The doctor said I's im-PO-tent. So I's figured if I is im-PO-tent, I gots to LOOK im-PO-tent!"

How do you catch a unique animal?

Unique up on it.

How do you catch a tame animal?

Tame way.

A skeleton walks into a bar.

"Pint of lager please."

"Certainly," replies the barman. "Would you like anything else with that?"

"Yes," said the skeleton. "A mop."

Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. Two. The difficulty is getting them into it in the first place.

Christ Jodi, You aren't peeing blood are you? Rhabdomyolysis is WAY dangerous, honey. But, on the other hand, I bet your ass looks AMAZING.

How many Website Designers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None -- It's a hardware problem.

How many drummers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None - they have machines that can do it now.

Damn, I suck at telling jokes. I'll jutht give you a call or send you a tofugram or something.

How many Bluegrass Bassists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One - Five - One - Five - One - Five - One - Five

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

(Note to prospective comedians - Music theory jokes, especially those that revolve around the similarities inherent in different songs within the bluegrass genre, are always very funny.)

What's the difference between a bass player and a large pizza?

The pizza can feed a family of four.

How many surrealist painters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Fish.

What's the difference between a high school girls cross-country team and a midget detective agency?

One's a bunch of cunning little runts...

Oh yeah? I've got professional humor, too:

How many psychology professors does it take to change a light bulb?

One with two graduate students, but they get three papers out of it.
---------------------------
For something more accessible:

A piece of string walks into a bar, sits down at the counter, and orders a beer. The bartender growls at him, "We don't serve pieces of string here. Get out!" Miffed, it huffs out.

The next day, the piece of string pauses before the bar, doubles and loops itself over in the middle, then unravels its ends. Then it goes back into the bar and sits down. "I'll have a beer," it says smugly.

"I TOLD you we don't serve pieces of string here," the bartender growls.

"I know," it answers, still smugly.

"Well, aren't you a piece of string?" the bartender demands.

"Nope," it replies, "I'm a frayed knot."

How many psycologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one, but the lightbulb has to WANT to change first...

two guys walk into a bar, you think the third would have seen it

*ba dum ching*

"When environmental conditions are bad, clamydominas apt for sex over cell division."

OK, so here's the only Jewish joke I can remember:

"Good Morning, you're listening to Radio Jerusalem, on 1200 meters AM. But to you my boy.... 1150."

Hope you're feeling better, and thanks for the compliment over on HaikuBlog. here's an oldie but an (offensive) goodie.

A doctor, a lawyer and a Catholic priest are on a sinking boat. There are children present, and not enough lifejackets to go around. The doctor says, "How will we decide which of us shall die? We have to save the children." The lawyer says, "Fuck the children."

The priest says, "do you think we have time?"

Sorry.....

Thanks, one and all! You have earned your Pop Tarts.

I am feeling much better, thank you.

Tricia: There is no need to apologize!
Beau: My ass does look amazing! Mwah!

hmmm.....

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhinocerous?

'el if I know

OK, we all needed an elephant joke....

well maybe not

A man walks into a bar and says "ouch!"

A blonde is walking down the street and sees another blonde trying to canoe through a corn field. She gets really upset and starts to yell at the girl in the cornfield. "You're the kind of blonde that gives us blondes a bad rep! If I knew how to swim, I'd swim over there and kick your ass!"

The only two jokes I can really remember.