"Your house may be making you fat," some expert/editor/whatever from Self (I think) magazine said on The View this morning. (I had it on only to catch Jennifer Aniston, but I missed her. And shut up. I like Jennifer Aniston. Stop acting like you don't like someone just as popular, which means you have to pretend you don't like that person because it's not cool to like someone so mainstream. Go back to listening to Kylie Minogue and pretending you're not.)
So, anyway. "Your house may be making you fat," this woman said. Yes, your house itself is a vicious saboteur. And you'd be surprised at the ways it chooses to sabotage your efforts (even now, two weeks into the new year ... and this is the year you're finally going to get in shape! You know you said that last year, but this year you mean it!). As it turns out, it is not a good idea to keep the lights dim when you forage through the refrigerator in the middle of the night. If you turn the lights on or up, you will feel like you're in an interrogation room and will be less likely to shove leftovers into the hole in your head in an attempt to fill the hole in your soul that is aching to be filled by/with something else that you can't or won't identify. So it's the fault of lighting.
Your diet failure is also the fault of the color of your kitchen. As many people know, restaurants paint their walls warm colors, such as pumpkin, persimmon, or mustard, to stimulate appetite. But at home, you should choose cool blue. Oh, and replace the bulb in your refrigerator with a blue one because that will make you not want to stuff strudel into the bottomless, gurgling, churning pit that is your stomach. Blame the pumpkin! Give those warm colors the cold shoulder!
Use smaller plates, glasses, and utensils. Listen to soothing music. Hide your TV when it's not in use so you won't be tempted to lie around on the sofa and eat snacks. Spray lavender mist in the air. Paint your bedroom a pretty pastel, ladies (yes, you were the ones being specifically addressed, you fatty fatty fatsters!), because pastels are instrumental in soothing the beast within you that urges you to finish the pan of brownies now now now because you can't handle the stress of your job (it's an even bigger bitch than your disapproving mom who never listens) or anything else in your life.
Oh, and don't forget a peppermint-scented candle. Peppermint makes you want to work out! This is true. I know that every time I suck on a candy cane, I can't wait to hit the treadmill.
So you see, it's not your fault that you're fat. It's not your fault that your get up and go came and went and you didn't even see it coming or passing in the first place. It's not your fault that the leftovers look so pretty in the dim light of your cozy, pumpkin-colored kitchen. It's your house's fault. So either become an arsonist ... or get some peppermint!
See, you do have control! The choice is yours! Don't you feel like a gigantic weight has been lifted from your shoulders, if only figuratively?fresh-baked at 12:56 PM